Power of the Epsilon: Gifted

Power of the Epsilon: Gifted

13 chapters / 12357 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

“Stella ran through the seemingly endless forest. They wanted her, they wanted her dead”
She has to run, she can’t stop running. She knows they will catch up to her eventually.
Meanwhile, Bayard and Aquarius are trying to coax Stella to them; for they—and the world—need her desperately.
With a treacherous demon stone on the verge of going berserk, shadowed pasts making their haunting reappearances, and three power-hungry Chimaeras expanding their rule by the minute. Can two shifters and a half-demon truly be the chosen ones?

Genres:

Adventure, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(6)

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over 5 years ago Vic said:

Oh wow this is AMAZING!!!!!!!! I only got to read the first chapter but I love it already! Be assured I will be back for more! Heart and follow! :)

5rejof

almost 6 years ago kaitlynthekaitlyn said:

This is very powerful

Dsc03421

almost 6 years ago Vivian Thai said:

Hm I liked this story overall. Its off to a great start I was quite interested and wanted to read more as the story moved along. I felt that I understand her determination and I liked how she didn't steal thr thig in the shop. Please do continue on I am curious on where you'll have this headed keep up thegood work tell me when u have written more :) this is for a swap btw

Dsc04051

almost 6 years ago Franchesca Bodnar said:

OOOOOOOooooH!!!! soooooooo goood! i want moreeee!!!! briallanteee!!! i could see it in my mind!!! wonderfulll fabtablous!!! just fantastic!!! this is quality, its got a BUNCH of potential! i wish it were mine!

you have talent!! use it, you haev much potential!

there were a few errors: "she didn't even here him" shouldnt "didn't" be Hadn't?

you should make it more clear that the man who shot the deer came back, i had a hard time figuring out it was the hunter with blod hair. you should describe him more, as well as the rest of the characters.

i think thats it!

well done! i applaud you!!! keep me posted please!!! :)

Reviews(5)

406895

over 5 years ago Alana said:

This is for the swap. Sorry for the long time to get back to you; I appreciate your patience. I am organizing a new (and seemingly popular) group, so I’m very thankful for not bugging me about it or anything. :) By the way, I hope I don’t seem mean at any point. I just believe in blunt honesty.

“Stella ran through the seemingly endless forest.” So it’s kind of a predicatable line. It is intriguing, and, being your first line, you’ve instantly interested me. But it isn’t a very unique line, and people that don’t like cliche (unlike me) may just shrug it off.

“They were chasing her. She knew they were. / They wanted her. They wanted her dead. Shifters couldn’t be kept alive.” This isn’t badly written- not by a longshot- but it’s kind of awkward being by itself. Those lines are like very short paragraphs, and need to somehow be smooshed together. Nicely, though. It has to make sense.

“She ran so fast, that the trees and undergrowth blurred together. Even the sounds of the forest mixed into incomprehensible jabber.” So I like your vocabulary. But as I scroll down for the first chapter, I realize you really like short paragraphs and one-liners. Those are fine when starting, ending, or in the middle of something. But to completely have the whole story or most of it like that turns the reader off. A good way to make these one-liners into paragraphs is to elaborate. You give good vocabulary, so how about some description? Or imagery? All we know is that the forest may be dense. Even just a quick sight of a raccoon or hummingbird can help.

“They had been chasing her since when? Three moons it was now since she escaped?” Awkward. Very, very awkward. Try something like this instead: “She wondered how long they have been chasing her. ^Was it only three moons ago that I escaped?^ She thought.” The "^"'s mean to put it in italics. Do you notice the difference? The flow and fluency is better, and you give the reader some early insight into her mind.

From the small, (very small) paragraph “Stella stopped abruptly,” to the line “Stella collapsed to the forest floor...”. That paragraph, all the way to that line, could easily be a paragraph. Standing on its own isn’t attractive to the reader.

Also, the line “Stella collapsed to the forest floor and much against her tigress insinct, rolled onto her back.” Very, very awkward. And grammatically incorrect. Do you see the difference between that line and this one?: “Stella’s legs collapsed beneathe her, making her fall to the grimy forest ground below. Even though it was against her tigress instinct, she rolled onto her back and let out a deep sigh of exhaustion. She didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to run anymore. She just wanted to relax, and let go.” Feel free to use that, but do you see the difference between the detail and grammar? It greatly improves a story (in more ways than one).

“All of a sudden,” NEVER start a new paragraph with “All of a sudden” or “suddenly”. It makes me, and other readers I know, cringe. It’s just too tell-y.

That’s about the amount of your first chapter that I read. Your main goals that you need to work on is imagery, longer paragraphs, and correct grammar. I think your plot idea is interesting. It’s not unique but I like it; though the way you tell the story doesn’t intrigue me. That’s one of the reasons why I’m stopping here. And notice how I said tell, not show?

One more thing, because I have to say it: “She hadn’t even heard him!” to be grammatically correct, NEVER use an exclamation mark. The only correct time to use one is in dialogue.

Sam

over 5 years ago dragonlover_samantha said:

~Swap for First Step~ (read through Chapter 2)

Please remember that everything I say is my own opinion and meant in the interest of helping you become a better writer. Take and leave what you will.

I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised by this. You have a good sense of plot pacing that a lot of stories I've been reading lately lack. There are one or two points I feel can be improved on.

Firstly, you might want to take a look at your sentence structures throughout chapter one, especially. At many places the sentences are fragmented where they would flow better combined and in others, longs sentences would be better broken. Take some time to read your writing out loud or slowly in your own head to establish a better rhythm and flow. That said, this could be purely stylistic, so only change what feels right.

Secondly, I'm not getting a good sense of either Stella or Aquarius' personalities, but that could just be because I haven't gotten far into the book yet. Do keep characterization in mind, though, as you continue. This is especially important because you have alternating POVs, so make sure that the reader can clearly tell the difference in voice between the two characters. Like I said, I just probably haven't gotten far enough into the story to pick up on characterization so I'm not overly worried about this.

Thirdly, I feel like you might want to add a tad more description to really make the setting pop for the reader. You already have some good imagery, but I feel like just a little more will really help the story come to life. That said, I do have a tendency to over-describe, so you might want to get a second opinion on this.

A small point that I want to mention is that in the beginning, I feel like Stella talks herself out of her paranoia too easily. With the depth of the fear that you describe (especially because you open with it) it just feels like it would take a little more grappling to snap out of.

One thing I really liked was your immediate introduction of plot. It's fast paced yet doesn't feel forced, something that I do tend to struggle with. Good job.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for not infodumping. I cannot even begin to describe how much infodumping about things like the ability to Shift irks me. It is so much more sophisticated and mature to show this kind of information, the way you've been doing. Keep it up.

One thing I noticed - you tend to punctuate dialogue incorrectly. There's a section of the Master Guide to Writing in the Red Pen threads that talks about dialogue punctuation but I'll paste it here.

End punctuation goes inside quotes (“Hello.”) If there is a dialogue tag, exclamations and question marks stay the same, but periods turn to commas and the first word of the tag is not capitalized. (“Hello,” she said)(“Hello!” she said.) Separate the action with the dialogue. Example of incorrect grammar: She shrugged[,] “Sure, what did you expect.” Example redone: She shrugged[.] “Sure, what did you expect?” she asked. Also if it follows the dialogue, use a period inside the quote “You look beautiful.” She beamed.

I'll try to be helpful and point out all the mistakes I spotted below.

technical errors~ (add/change){omit}

"ran so fast{,} that . . . blurred together. Even" ~ I would also recommend combining the two sentences with "and" as I feel it would flow better as one sentence instead of two.

"hound's bray" ~ I think that you mean "bay" because "bray" is a sound that donkey makes.

"forest floor and(,) much"

"the man{,} as he"

"thickets(.) Stella"

"smaller man(.) '(You're) right . . . still here(,)'"

"out of there(,) she"

"followed them(,) sticking" ~ Probably stylistic but these to fragments combine to make a good sentence that flows better than the two fragments.

"cut as well(,)' Aquarius"

"part at least(,)" (the) larger"

"took this(,)' said"

"follow them(.) (She) should"

"any means(,)' Aquarius"

"good addition(,)' he"

"sighed(.) 'Maybe . . . though(,)' he"

"to bed(,)' Aquarius"

"hungry(,)' Aquarius"

"but(,) much to Stella's relief"

"'Someday(,) she said(,) 'I won't"

"watching them{,} and had"

"'Blast(,)" Aquarius"

"evening(:) '(People)"

"familiar territory{,} and(,) if"

"then(,)' he"

"underestimated (Aquarius') skill"

Overall, this story seems to be headed in a good direction. I like where it's going. Keep up the good work.