about 1 month ago RJEK said:

Okay, this review is a tad late. I have a pretty sad turnaround time, and I’m sorry for that. At any rate, you asked to take a look at this story, so here we go.

The Story:

There’s only one chapter here, so it’s a tad short. That means I can’t place too much judgement on it, as things can change in subsequent chapters. Thus far, the tale revolves around Ava, a young woman who has become an outsider due to unfortunate health problems. Though she is one of three triplets, she looks very different from her fellow sisters. From her perspective, she appears to be runt of the litter, since her sisters are apparently ready for the fashion stage while she is “not so much”. We see that there are quite a few siblings in her house, and due to her problems, she’s a bit of an outcast here too.

To make matters worse, those around her are less than accommodating. She receives a lot insults and ridicule, with the word “retard” thrown around far too much. This proves that insults don’t have to be accurate to biting, as it’s clear Ava is far from being dumb. But being a teen in today’s society, she gets a lot of cruelty thrown her way.

But all is not lost, for there is one light in our heroine’s life. A young man is in her life, and though he to has his share of health issues, it has no effect on their growing friendship. And it’s clear that there is some sparks between them.

We see some awkward teenage moments, a scrap between two young ladies, and the makings of love. A good start.

The Characters:

While we’re introduced a few characters in this chapter, we really only get a good look at two of them. Ava’s stepmother, brother and twin sisters are introduced here, as well as a former friend named Jessica, and a really unpleasant girl named Bella. But as I said, the real focus is on Ava and boy named Jerry.

Ava has experienced a health problem called Neurofibromatosis. This has caused a brain tumour that resulted in several surgeries and the loss of one leg. This has put her into a wheelchair, and caused her to become the outcast that she now is. Ava struggles not only with her condition, but also with the constant put downs of her peers. While we see her fight them with silent stares, we soon learn this is all taking a toll on her. Her attitude is still feisty towards her tormentors, but we can tell it’s hurting her.

Jerry, Ava’s truest friend, is a student with special needs of his own. Between Post Traumatic Stress and an unfortunate injury to his brain, Jerry requires a little extra help. Jerry isn’t slow, per se, but he has some issues as a result of his past. Nevertheless, Jerry is a kind, caring soul who cares for Ava a great deal. He is clearly protective of her and likes her a lot. We can also see that there are a few sparks between him and Ava, suggesting that his attitude towards her may be driven more by heart than plain old friendship.

The Style:

The narrative is from the perspective of Ava. I personally have trouble with this style. I find it hard to write this way because I find being descriptive doesn’t feel organic. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It means I’m just no good at it. But because of this perspective, a lot of personal feeling comes from it, particularly from the main character. As I see it, anyone who can write like this and make it work is a capable writer.

A major theme here is something many of us have had to deal with at one point or another. And that, of course, is the issue of bullying. All too often, people who are seen as different get ridiculed, picked on, and sometimes even worse. It’s always heartbreaking, because more often than not, the person being picked on is actually a really great person, just a little different from the rest of the herd. Having been an outcast myself, albeit for different reasons, this sort of thing hits home. It’s not right, and it bothers me. Now, that doesn’t mean I take away anything from a story where a character is so treated. If anything, it makes me more sympathetic towards them. But enough about that.

The style appears to be working. Keep at it and keep refining and you’ll do just fine.

Technical Points:

Didn’t see too much here to mention. I think there may have been one or two things I stumbled over when I read it, but nothing too major. Also, I don’t really know what “usge” means, but that might be because I’m not familiar with teenage lingo. Kinda makes a guy feel old. But anyway, you did a decent job here, and proofread your work well.

Final Thought:

This turned out pretty good so far. I don’t know where you intend to take it, but I’m sure you have a good plan. Keep up the good work.

- RJEK

3 months ago Georjette Mercer said:

WARNING: THIS IS A REALLY LONG REVIEW. SORRY. Sit yourself down comfortably, you might be here for a while.

I really liked how you introduced Ava as the object of cruelty. With an insult as the first line of the story, said by her own brother, you show how constant the bullying of Ava is. What I found interesting was her 'inner voice,' which I thought added a certain depth of character in the way that it showed the effect bullying has had on her self-esteem. The almost-casual mention of the financial strain Ava has placed on her family gives the reader the idea that she doesn't like being a burden, but has accepted that she is - because she needs it.

However, her being stuck with just one leg, to me, doesn't make sense. I would have thought (I'm not a doctor or anything, but it seems like a sensible idea to me) that Ava would be fitted with a prosthetic leg. This would remove the need for a wheelchair, an elevator, make it easier to get around. Unless there was some underlying (medical) reason for why she wasn't a suitable candidate, I think that what be more realistic. I understand that the point of the story is her deformity and how others react to it, but it doesn't seem plausible that she'd be made to live with one leg.

Also, Neurofibromatosis isn't just restricted to tumour development. Skeletal abnormalities (mainly thinning of long bones of the body - like leg bones, causing bowed legs) and skin deformities (rashes, pimples, discolouration) are also common. NF2 (rarer than type 1, only around 10% of cases) often leads to hearing loss due to tumours, which makes me think perhaps you had focused more on that one. Maybe specify which type of NF Ava has. Tumours can also cause headaches, balance problems and facial weakness/paralysis. The main thing is that neurofibromatosis is a genetic condition, although half the time it's known as a 'de novo' mutation - that is, spontaneous and with no family history. I'm not sure if the tumours Ava develops are cancerous or not, but less than 10% of people suffer from cancerous tumours - I guess mainly, they just get in the way of ordinary function.

I wanted more information about Ava's condition (which is why I went and looked it up, and am now spouting stuff off Wikipedia). I think if you inserted more about that, rather than talking about the other kids' disorders, I would be more satisfied. Also, I think you should make Ava's sisters less striking, but make it apparent that she sees them as the most beautiful people on earth. This brings the description back to the psychological impact of Ava's deformities.

Honestly, I think if you wanted to focus on deformities, that you should have tried something like a facial abnormality. Neurofibromatosis seems more like a candidate for a illness-treatment story (e.g. cancer book), rather than a social impact book. And if you are focusing on the psychological damage Ava suffers from, make it less obvious. You don't need to shout at us that she cuts. Say something along the lines of, "the cuts on my forearm itched under my sweater." Don't tell us she cuts herself. Also, I think the words are a bit far-fetched. Most people, even if they are depressed, won't carve insults into their own skin.

Despite that, I enjoyed reading it and hope that you continue writing it. One tip: I'd make the names of other characters more normal: Zemson, Lunetta and Blaize just kind of slapped me in the face and screamed, "We're cool, exotic names! CHECK IT OUT!" I don't think you need to use their names at all, because there aren't characters attached to them. Just say, "the other kids from my street got on the bus," or words to that effect (probably phrase it better than I did). The characters that Ava interacts with need names, but random people off the street don't. Oh, and in the paragraph where Carrie is described, you've written, "however, Carrie while Carrie has a..." Just cut out the first Carrie - I'm guessing you lost track of where you were up to while writing it. I do it all the time. :)

I look forward to reading more of your work, and especially finding out more about Ava and how she deals with her situation.

Sorry for the ridiculous length! - Georjette