Unstable

Unstable

5 chapters / 11732 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

COMPLETE AND BEING REVISED. :D I'm not going to be posting any more chapters BUT if you are interested in reading more LET ME KNOW! Here is a summary:
Ava Anderson's life is far from normal. She is stuck with one leg, all due to her neurological, tumor-causing disorder, Neurofibromatosis. This led her to the Special-Needs class, when she really should be with the other kids . Every day Ava is looked at strangely, because she is different. Fortunately, she has her best friend Jerry and fellow classmates who are always by her side, and who also understand the rude people and pain society hands them on a daily basis.

However, Ava's ninth grade year promises big changes. And these changes aren't exactly good. The bullying worsens, and she finds herself losing people she loves dearly, as well as facing the ones who left her in the past. Ava has always handled her depression and the taunts thrown at her well, but will this year be too much? Will she continue to withstand the hurt and bullying, or will the monster deep inside her and all around society finally cause her to break? ©2012-2013 by Liza K, all rights reserved

Genres:

Writing, Novel, Drama

Comments(17)

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over 4 years ago Ophie said:

Ooh, a badass girl in a wheelchair. I like it! I also think that Ava is really beautiful, just like her sisters. I'm upset that her own siblings would treat her like that... but I also may be a little bit in love with Jerry... maybe... a little... :)

Edb0_best_pen_ever_inuse

almost 5 years ago Alicia Hu said:

Good job!

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almost 5 years ago Ricochet said:

Great write. This is definitely a different story than the ones that I have read recently. You did great, you just missed a couple of spaces in places. Hey that rhymed!:)

Snow

about 5 years ago Katelyn Woodyard said:

Your grammar, it's okay. Not too much to worry about. Your story development: You have written a Mary sue. I'm sorry. But I want to help. One, where in the hell did all these kids come from?!?!? And their names.... A bit out there. Not saying unique names are bad, but they don't all need a unique name. Two, Ava is not magical. She should not be able to stand up and literally fight. She has one leg. It'd be difficult. Plus, she's literally the only person to get the kid out of her shell??? Sorry, but the poor child is still a bit too beaten down. Have her put up a little fight. Show her struggling mothers. Have all of them there showing support for the girl when she takes a bite of food. Not just miss magic. Three, no more verbal fights with the voices. They can allbe internal. Four, absentee dad? Nonexistant birth mother? Abuse at school and home (the latter of which showed no previous signs of instability) big no no. Your character can be in tragic circumstances, but dont just randomly throw them in. Five, most schools place special needs by academic and physical only if it's a blind/deaf senario (in which it becomes a hindrance to learning) if she doesnt need to be in the special classes, she shouldn't be in them. She can voulenteer with tutoring, though. Six, can she be more confrontational and bitchy? Ava's not helping her social case by being mean to every single person she comes across. Even if they're mean, smile and show she doesn't stoop to their level. Seven, internet fame is interesting. Put her YouTube views at a reasonable level. Around 1,000 is plenty. Most singer's channels dont make it big. Sorry. Maybe after the talent show? I know I probably sound mean, but I'm not trying to be mean. Your grammar skills are okay (although I'm really not reading for them) it's your story skills. Hope this helps.

Reviews(9)

Raina2c_goddess_of_light2c_shaiya_m

over 4 years ago Cyprus said:

Thank you for joining the group. As promised, here is your review. As stated in the discussion, I will only be reading the first chapter.

I like the use of names, but be careful with those. Giving all/the bulk of your characters crazy, exotic names will get confusing for your reader. You may way to cut down on some of those. It's your choice, of course, but I would limit yourself to 2 exotic names.

Otherwise, it was a good read. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors, you have that nailed down. Not a new concept, but you know that. You have put a fresh outlook on it. Bullying is something that most people face at one point or another, and usually don't have a choice in the matter. You take that concept and add your own story to it. And that's what makes this piece great.

Chrono14

over 4 years ago RJEK said:

Okay, this review is a tad late. I have a pretty sad turnaround time, and I’m sorry for that. At any rate, you asked to take a look at this story, so here we go.

The Story:

There’s only one chapter here, so it’s a tad short. That means I can’t place too much judgement on it, as things can change in subsequent chapters. Thus far, the tale revolves around Ava, a young woman who has become an outsider due to unfortunate health problems. Though she is one of three triplets, she looks very different from her fellow sisters. From her perspective, she appears to be runt of the litter, since her sisters are apparently ready for the fashion stage while she is “not so much”. We see that there are quite a few siblings in her house, and due to her problems, she’s a bit of an outcast here too.

To make matters worse, those around her are less than accommodating. She receives a lot insults and ridicule, with the word “retard” thrown around far too much. This proves that insults don’t have to be accurate to biting, as it’s clear Ava is far from being dumb. But being a teen in today’s society, she gets a lot of cruelty thrown her way.

But all is not lost, for there is one light in our heroine’s life. A young man is in her life, and though he to has his share of health issues, it has no effect on their growing friendship. And it’s clear that there is some sparks between them.

We see some awkward teenage moments, a scrap between two young ladies, and the makings of love. A good start.

The Characters:

While we’re introduced a few characters in this chapter, we really only get a good look at two of them. Ava’s stepmother, brother and twin sisters are introduced here, as well as a former friend named Jessica, and a really unpleasant girl named Bella. But as I said, the real focus is on Ava and boy named Jerry.

Ava has experienced a health problem called Neurofibromatosis. This has caused a brain tumour that resulted in several surgeries and the loss of one leg. This has put her into a wheelchair, and caused her to become the outcast that she now is. Ava struggles not only with her condition, but also with the constant put downs of her peers. While we see her fight them with silent stares, we soon learn this is all taking a toll on her. Her attitude is still feisty towards her tormentors, but we can tell it’s hurting her.

Jerry, Ava’s truest friend, is a student with special needs of his own. Between Post Traumatic Stress and an unfortunate injury to his brain, Jerry requires a little extra help. Jerry isn’t slow, per se, but he has some issues as a result of his past. Nevertheless, Jerry is a kind, caring soul who cares for Ava a great deal. He is clearly protective of her and likes her a lot. We can also see that there are a few sparks between him and Ava, suggesting that his attitude towards her may be driven more by heart than plain old friendship.

The Style:

The narrative is from the perspective of Ava. I personally have trouble with this style. I find it hard to write this way because I find being descriptive doesn’t feel organic. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It means I’m just no good at it. But because of this perspective, a lot of personal feeling comes from it, particularly from the main character. As I see it, anyone who can write like this and make it work is a capable writer.

A major theme here is something many of us have had to deal with at one point or another. And that, of course, is the issue of bullying. All too often, people who are seen as different get ridiculed, picked on, and sometimes even worse. It’s always heartbreaking, because more often than not, the person being picked on is actually a really great person, just a little different from the rest of the herd. Having been an outcast myself, albeit for different reasons, this sort of thing hits home. It’s not right, and it bothers me. Now, that doesn’t mean I take away anything from a story where a character is so treated. If anything, it makes me more sympathetic towards them. But enough about that.

The style appears to be working. Keep at it and keep refining and you’ll do just fine.

Technical Points:

Didn’t see too much here to mention. I think there may have been one or two things I stumbled over when I read it, but nothing too major. Also, I don’t really know what “usge” means, but that might be because I’m not familiar with teenage lingo. Kinda makes a guy feel old. But anyway, you did a decent job here, and proofread your work well.

Final Thought:

This turned out pretty good so far. I don’t know where you intend to take it, but I’m sure you have a good plan. Keep up the good work.

- RJEK