Things To Be Thankful For.

Things To Be Thankful For.

3 chapters / 1393 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Work In Progress! Intro and first chapter up, and working on the second! A/N: I have almost copmpletely re-written the first chapter, and decided to split that chapter into two. This is the first time I'm writing something that not a mystery or a poem. So, feedback would be amazing. :D Thank you for reading!

Genres:

Comedy, Drama, Novel

Comments(12)

Thirty two

over 5 years ago Coxswain After Christ said:

how cool! looks good so far :) God bless, Coxn

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over 5 years ago Gabbish said:

I really thought this was great since this your first time actually writing a story. Cant wait for more! :)

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over 5 years ago Sarah Brown said:

This is such an awesome piece! Gezz, I am in love :D

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almost 6 years ago Cait Cher said:

I hope you write more of this.

Reviews(4)

New dp

almost 6 years ago S. DidiBan said:

Introduction: Where was the second quote taken from? And/Or who was it written by? I liked Teilhard de Chardin's quote.

“I’m standing here, giving much needed clothes to people I’ve never even met before, all of which were generously donated by caring people,” be careful of the structure of your sentences – here it reads as though the people she's never met have been donated by caring people. I'm sure that's not the case =P

Be careful not to abuse the italics. You should trust your reader enough to put the right emphasis in certain places - usually in dialogue is where it's helpful for certain words to be emphasized. In narration, it needs to be scarce. Here, there are many words (and phrases) that are italicized but don't really need to be.

Writing in first person is often said to be a very difficult point of view to write in, because readers have a harder time associating with the character. Unfortunately, I don't feel any particular attachment to the character, at this given point. I feel that the tone comes off as very preachy and that anyone who isn't doing what the character is doing (I.e: just generally volunteering to help the poor, or donating to them) are extremely bad, selfish people. I don't know if that tone is intentional or not on your part, but that's how it feels and it doesn't really entice me to read on (just noting that the tone has nothing to do with the song. It feels a very appropriate song given the change she seems to have gone through. It's the narration that gives me this feeling).

Since this is a review, I am going to read on. I hope you don't mind me posting a different review per chapter. I feel that it's just so much neater to read that way.

New dp

almost 6 years ago S. DidiBan said:

Chapter 2: You should get someone who is good at grammar (punctuation, especially) to take a look at your work before posting it. I notice some places where punctuation has been incorrectly placed and it disrupts the flow of the sentence (and also makes said sentence void of any meaning, if read according to the punctuation). Example: “So, that’s why I’m packing a suitcase with, probably more clothes than I will need, and running around like a[...]” There should not be a comma after “with” and there is no need for one after 'and' either.

The questions at the end of the first scene are very awkward. I suppose they're meant to introduce some sort of tension or problem, but it fell flat to me because you're just /telling/ us everything that's wrong with their relationship (without actually saying /why/, which is fine). Just because you're writing in first person doesn't mean that you have to narrate everything the character is doing it as she does it. Try showing us: “I'm just going to go there and get done what I have to get down, I tell myself as I dig through my drawer to get my notepad. My eyes fall on the picture frame of [daughter's name] I always keep beside the pad. My heart drop; no, surely I can't go to New York without seeing my daughter. My hand hovers over the picture. Who knows if she'll even see me. It's been [years?], but who knows if she's forgiven me... I take a deep breath and snatch the picture up before I can lose my nerves and throw it in my suitcase over the bulging pile of clothes. Well, there is only one way to find out if she has.” Of course, this is just an example and it doesn't have to go that way at all. But, I hope you can tell that it's a lot more visually vivid than simply putting everything into questions right off the bat, without elaborating. This way, the reader can also see the obvious conflict going on inside the narrator (wants to see her daughter, but scared of reopening an old wound if she does go & is rejected).

The dialogue between Jen and the character (what's her name, anyway?) felt very stiff and just so contradictory. I'm sorry, but if I was the owner of my own business, I would not leave my company to an assistant who /admitted she was no good at taking care of it/! This wouldn't be such a big deal if your protagonist (whom I'm going to call P until I know her name, btw) seemed to have faith in her assistant – but from the interrogation in her own dialogue, it doesn't feel that way at all!

(also – major time shift switch in this section: “ Of course, I wasn’t really walking towards a scary cave, and I’m much too mature to be afraid of a little old airport” time shift inside this sentence, even.)

The scene at the airport is very contrived and quite unrealistic. First off – P is a business owner, and seems rather very successful at what she does. Yet, she doesn't even look at the destination before buying an airplane ticket? Doubtful Next – I'm not sure airplane companies change tickets – not /just like that/ anyway? But, for the sake of the story, I would have been willing to buy into this incident if it hadn't been for: This – why in the /world/ didn't the receptionist ask P if she wanted the ticket for the very same day?? I mean, she's at the airport, obviously ready to leave at this moment and the receptionist asks if she'd like to change the ticket ... yet she picks a day that's /in a week/? Doubtful...(just read that there are no flights to New York – this is definitely something the receptionist should have pointed out to P when she was looking into changing her ticket for her).

“I almost screamed in my frustration and anger, but I didn’t, because I was in public. “ P's been screaming and yelling for the better half of this section ... I don't think she'd have much minded screaming again ... unless maybe she catches the eye of a passerby and /finally/ realizes she's in public. This is what I mean about /showing/ and not telling.

“Not taking note of it first, I saw an old pick-up truck drove right in front of me. “ If she sees the old pick-up truck and makes a comment on it, she is obviously /taking note/ of it. It's another thing entirely if she notices there's a truck pulling up to her but decides to ignore it, or doesn't give it a second though.

“ What? I didn’t want to be rude and ignore him…. However much I wanted to.” Not really necessary. The reader can deduce from the ellipses that P is wary of talking to this man, but returns the greeting anyway, just to be polite.

Chapter 3 review following...