The Perfect Pet

The Perfect Pet

3 chapters / 3125 words

Approximately 16 minutes to read

Description:

THIS IS A SERIES. I will be writing a lot more chapters. :)

One day a middle aged man named Thomas is visited by a salesman who offers him something no one has ever seen before. The Pet was engineered by scientists, and this is his exclusive chance to own it. But there's something the salesman doesn't tell Thomas, and that will change everything.

Comments(13)

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about 5 years ago Abigail1129 said:

Woah...This was really good...like amazing! I just came across it on my home page and I'm glad I did! This was soooo good! But you just stopped! No no no no! Write more? That'd be great. Thanks, love(: xx

Excitedsun

over 5 years ago Mickey Mouse said:

I love how the first chapter went from perfectly normal to surreal so quickly, how you clearly demonstrated that the egg had some hypnotic power over people without actually saying so. I also like how you fleshed out the daughter by describing her cursed birthdays. This one is a gripper.

Talia heather winchester

almost 6 years ago Talia Heather Winchester said:

Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness! Is there more?! There absolutely must be. I completely loved this! A couple of small errors, but otherwise written well. I also find it interesting why he decided to call his daughter after three years. Does he really think she'll not rat him out to the police? I got the idea that he and his wife are either divorced, or his wife is dead. Not quite clear on that. But please tell me when there's more, because I love this and am so curious about the egg! Great job!

707377

almost 6 years ago Kayelin R said:

I like the detail and story here. Awesome job! :)

Reviews(6)

Dscf7357

over 5 years ago Abbi Arculeo said:

First chapter:

“the child [won] out.”

Half way through the story the indents on your paragraphs stop.

Id like to see more of a reason as to why he's so determined to get this egg saying its beautiful just doesn’t cut it for me. Maybe… it sparks some feeling in him? Especially after reading his reaction… id really like to know why he's so obsessed.

Chapter two:

I think his thoughts should be more frantic than they are now. He seems too calm after just killing someone.

Chapter three:

You say that he burnt himself, but he had to keep a bandage on “it” what is it? His finger? Or his face?

Oh never mind, that’s in the perspective of his daughter. Okay that was a little confusing.

Over all:

I really like it and I love the idea!

Icon

over 5 years ago Jevonne said:

(swap for Keeper)

this story is an excellent concept. you’ve chosen an older main character, which is already a point of departure from the norm. i was hooked the moment Thomas started going crazy about the egg— his sudden shift from indifferent skepticism to all-out insanity was very well-executed. your description of his ensuing insanity was also quite good; a lot of people try and fail to convey craziness, but you’ve done well, here. so, kudos!

in terms of critique, the biggest thing i noticed was choppiness, especially in the action scenes. when you write, your sentence lengths should correspond with the tone: quick, short sentences for exciting moments, long, languid sentences for boring scenes, etc. etc. in the murder scene, i didn’t really get that feeling of suspense/horror that should come from a killing, because many of the actions were too long and drawn out. ex., “Thomas grabbed the man by the neck and threw him to the floor. The man let out a shattering scream as he fell.” you’ve taken two sentences to describe events that are not only instantaneous, but simultaneous. it takes me longer to read about it than it would actually take to happen! you can remedy this by smashing the sentences together and removing all unnecessary information: “The man let out a shattering scream as Thomas grabbed his neck and threw him to the floor.” see? it reads faster.

another reoccurring issue was redundancy. you tend to begin consecutive sentences with the same words and reuse words that you’ve used only a sentence or two before. if you take a break from your writing for a while and then come back to it for a read-over, those errors should jump out at you.

also, (this is small) i kind of felt like it was overkill listing that many birthday disasters... i would have gotten the point if you just listed a few of the worse ones throughout the years.

the final thing I noticed is not necessarily incorrect, just a bit odd. when writing about Thomas, you used third-person limited so that we could get inside his head, but then you wrote Jasmine in first person. this switch of POV was a bit strange for me, because if the story is in first person from Jasmine’s POV, how does she know what Thomas is thinking when she relates the story? you may consider making the whole thing third person limited… this is just an opinion, however. discard it if you don’t think it’s valid.

all in all, this is a good story. You’ve got nice characters, a promising plot, and a lot of potential for a good old science fiction mystery/thriller/what have you. keep writing! (: