Trials of Cynthia Greenfield

Trials of Cynthia Greenfield

5 chapters / 8803 words

Approximately 44 minutes to read

Description:

Early Access Code: WDZIO-U5I55-6ZH8J
[Fantasy/Suspense]
Do you believe in fairies? Cynthia has no choice in the matter, but then she hasn’t had much of a choice in anything. She didn’t choose to be abandoned by her biological parents at the grocery store, or to grow up in an orphanage starved of love, or to be adopted by the Greenfields for that matter. She certainly didn’t choose to be kidnapped by a nasty fairy called Aillen, who will only release her if she passes a series of trials and tests.

Can Cynthia survive what no human has lived through? Will Aillen keep his word? And will Cynthia actually want to return to the world she left behind?

Genres:

Fantasy, Novel, Suspense

Comments(17)

Fay1

almost 4 years ago Ginny Midge said:

I don't have time to read your story right at this second, but I will some time soon. Just wanted to say that I love youe cover! HA!HA!HA! XD

Animegirl-4

about 5 years ago R.J. Jean said:

OH MY GOD!! THAT IS AMAZING! I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT THE ENTIRE TIME!! THE FAIRY WORLD SEEMED A LITTLE LIKE WONDERLAND, BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

Murple!!

about 5 years ago e. j. mcdaddecock said:

To you I now bestow the Chaos Award for awesome writing: WRITE MORE!!!!!! -Chaos

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over 5 years ago Penne Freyberger said:

Overall this is a really great beginning to a book. It's just sounding a little too much like "Alice in Wonderland". But other than that, it's really good. You should definitely continue this :)

Reviews(15)

Figment and nano prof pic

over 5 years ago Laura Muse said:

I liked your writing style after having read Grimoire Gurl (or at least what you have of it thus far), so I decided to acquire a better taste for your overall style/tone. So I thought I'd review this too.

I liked the opening, with Cynthia's awful life in the orphanage. However... You should have given her character a more detailed introduction, using the experiences in the orphanage as a catalyst for making her character bloom. You sort of had a split focus when it came to her; I think you were trying to make ger both charming and irritable at the same time (which was bordering on giving me a headache). You really have to pick one.

I felt that whole section with James and Celeste was sort of a waste, because it's really obvious that Cynthia is your focus, and that whole section didn't really give her any shred of depth more than we'd had originally. It was really just served to detract from the eventual development of the plot. The longer you delay the "action," the more time you give the reader to decide to abandon your book.

When we finally did arrive at the fantasy part, it was much, much too similar to Alice In Wonderland--you even flat-out alluded to it by having Cynthia imagine Rabbit in a waistcoat. Unless this is a fan fiction of some sort,nstray away from that; it shows bad writing habits, almost bordering on unoriginality (which I know for a fact after reading Grimoire Girl that you do not suffer from).

I think you strong point is really your sense of plot (that strength seems consistent between the two books). However, your books have the NEED to be more character driven. The depth of your protagonists is lost--though we all know that they are like bottomless pits of, well, character. Don't make your people Katniss Everdeens! Don't throw them in these situations and then fail to make them feel it! (I'm sorry if you're a Katniss fan;as you can see, I am not)

I do still like your style and your grasp of plot, and I probably will look to reading this, Grimoire Girl, and any other works in the future. (Once again, I apologize if I sound heartless; I'm only trying to help)

Xion_by_twilightgnome[1]

over 5 years ago 1 said:

I, personally, enjoyed Cynthia's first time seeing this new fairy world. The way she described it, the way you wrote it, was very well described in the few areas Cynthia was able to talk about, and the only things you were able to describe so fully. So well done there. I liked how you added the twist with the rabbit and thinking about him with a waistcoat and pocket watch. That made me smile.

You:

I lay there in the darkness paralyzed.

Suggestion:

I lay in darkness, paralyzed.

Read it out loud and pick whatever sounds better. =)

You:

but I can not? This troubling

Suggestion:

But I cannot? This troubling

You:

entire focus, as I tried and failed to move first my hands, then all my limbs.

Suggestion:

Entire focus as I tried and failed to move both hands and limbs one after another.

To me, the second version seems better, not because it’s mine, but it just…flows better, to me anyway. =) Say it out loud and you can decide.

You:

seemed so far away and distant.

Suggestion:

seemed far away and distant.

It doesn’t need the “so”, I don’t think, and I think it also sounds a bit better. ^_^

You:

only wait, with the sound

Suggestion:

Only wait with the sound

You:

Two red orbs came towards me, I recognized them with growing fear as they bent over, examining my still form. Only barely could I make out the silhouette of his body against the darkness around us. But the size of his eyes, he seemed bigger, more the size of a man now than a doll.

Suggestion:

A pair of bright red orbs suddenly appeared and came towards me. I recognized them with growing fear as they bent over me, examining my still form. I could barely make out the silhouette of his body against the darkness around us. By the size of his eyes, he seemed larger, more the size of a man than the doll from before.

I think this works better because to me, it might be a bit more wordy, but it flows more, but to only me! If it doesn’t to you, ignore the suggestion. ^_^

You:

my body still refused to listen.

Suggestion:

My body still refusing to listen.

I think this flows better with the rest of the sentence. Say it out loud and decide. =D

You:

I drifted off without even knowing it. The comforting

Suggestion:

I drifted off without even knowing it, the comforting

You don’t need to make the two different sentences, they work better together, personally thinking.

You:

quickly, my head

Suggestion:

Quickly my head

It doesn’t need the comma, I don’t think ^_^ the pause breaks the flow, to me.

You:

curled up, and rolled

Suggestion:

Curled up and rolled

You don’t need the comma here either, I don’t think! ^_^

You:

staring past the tears at the two figures watching me.

Suggestion:

Staring past the tears at two figures who were watching me warily.

I suggest you don’t say “the” because then it suggests you’ve mentioned them before, at least to me, and when I read that, I actually went back two paragraphs to make sure I didn’t miss anything, and I didn’t. So, this version might help! =)

You:

and that’s when I came the tail that twitched from behind his back.

Suggestion:

And that’s when my gaze fell on the tail that twitched back and forth behind his back.

You:

to sooth my

Suggestion:

To soothe my

It’s soothe, not sooth

You:

us, quietly. We can

Suggestion:

Us quietly, we can

You don’t need the comma and don’t need to make them two different sentences. ^_^ It’s a little awkward when you do.

You:

pools edge,

Suggestion:

Pools’ edge

You:

Try as I might to stubbornly remain awake, sleep claimed me quickly.

Suggestion:

Though try I did, stubbornly, to remain awake, sleep claimed me quickly.

This way, it won’t be a sentence that present on one part and then tense in the other. =)

Ohter than these, this chapter was incredibly...interesting, fascinating, and noteworthy to read. I really did enjoy it and I am curious about what the next chapter will hold next. Reading the first few chapters, you would hardly think something like this would happen. That's another thing that made this chapter so good. It was completely unexpected, but along with that, unexpectedly pleasant and intriguing. I enjoyed it immensely.