Before I'm Gone

Before I'm Gone

8 chapters / 4160 words

Approximately 21 minutes to read

Description:

PLEASE READ AND RATE.
The story of two friends learning to live with a life shattering turn of events, how they cope, and eventually, accept.

Thank you Sandra Taylor for the wonderful cover.

This is a short story I'm working on for creative writing to be published in our 'magazine' with the theme comfort. I strayed rather far from that theme, but hey, I think it's alright.

Tbeme song:
Inevitable By Anberline

Comments(18)

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over 5 years ago Megan M. said:

I'm crying! This was so good! Beautifully written! The beginning was so powerful and caught my attention...! I really have nothing to suggest you edit! This was amazing :)

Sunny

over 5 years ago Marquis Vincent said:

I'm only on the first chapter but I am already eager to know more about your characters. I agree with Rose--I think it was kind of messed up to tell her she has cancer through something like facebook. Once I finish reading a few other stories from my swap, i will come back to this and review the whole thing. (:

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over 5 years ago Marissa said:

wow this is beautiful...i would definitely recommend this to anyone. amazing

Angeloffire2

over 5 years ago Chantelle Lee-ann said:

WOW! This was heart-wretching! I am crying so hard at the moment. I was like "NOOO, WHY HE HAVE TO DIE"I wanted them to live happily ever after, but he kept on getting sick. This is really insightful and reminds me of when one of my friends had cancer! Thank you for making me read this because it was amazing and touched my heart!

Reviews(3)

Animedemon

over 5 years ago Amari Brown said:

Here’s my break-down, chapter by chapter Chapter 1. There’s a lot of emotion here which I appreciate, but you kind of loose it as you go along. You kind of state how she feels about the situation at the beginning, but don’t incorporate it very much into her thoughts, actions, and dialogue later on. Your opening sentence is fantastic. It really hits home, especially to all that can relate, and it captures the reader’s attention. The closing statement, however, is just as important. You need to work on those for your other chapters too. Also, some of your sentences are a little wordy and would probably sound better broken down like the line “Trying to start again, sound began to leave my lips, but seemed to get caught in my throat, an unswallowable lump as I dropped my hand to my side.” You can instead say something like “I tried to speak, but sound refused to escape my lips. The words caught in my throat, a lump I couldn’t swallow. (since unswallowable, according to Microsoft, isn’t a word)” Chapter 2. Here’s where the emotion slows down. Here’s where your character begins to sound like an observer rather than someone who’s watching her best friend/secret crush die before her eyes. On a positive note, I love your detail. Chapter 3. There was one thing in particular I didn’t like in the chapter. Sam’s little freak out. It was either to sudden or not sudden enough. I mean fine you did say that he was a little depressed (obviously for good reason) but it didn’t sound right to have him just randomly scream at Rose in the middle of her sentence. There either should have been some kind of lead up to his outburst, or he should have came in already anger, because the image right now is that he’s just sitting there all calmly and she starts speaking and suddenly he’s acting like a crazy person. Bright side: I like that Sam is finally showing some sign that he’s scared of dieing. It makes him…real. I have to finish this later cz its pretty late but I’ll get back to it asap

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over 5 years ago Micalena Canady said:

Beautfiully written, I urge you to proofread as there are a few minor errors which are most likely typos. The beginning was very strong, it caught my attention - after that, things seem to slow down. Though the beginning is in story form, from the second chapter on it begins to sound more like an essay. Decide which style you want to stick with - telling the events as they happen, like a story, or telling the events in a memoir fashion, more like an essay. You switch between the two, and though it's not confusing or detrimental to the telling of your story, it breaks up the flow and loses a lot of emotion. The idea is emotional, but some of the telling is lacking feeling - again, like an essay. If you read it out loud to yourself you'll be able to hear what I'm talking about. It's really easy to lapse into an essay-type style, especially when you're writing in first person, past-tense. Your descriptions in the beginning are great, but they become redundant; for example, everytime you mention her crying, the tears burn tracks, or leave tracks. Always "tracks." Try to create a bit more variation, saying the same things with different words. Your ending is powerful, and is really the perfect ending for such a story.