Fix You...

Fix You...

1 chapter / 1054 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

David is trying to help his little sister Mary but is he whats making her need help?

P.S.
please review or comment I'd love some feed back on this one.

Comments(9)

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almost 5 years ago Kayy said:

Aww, that was sweet.

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almost 6 years ago Sandy said:

Very nice :)

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almost 6 years ago Rachel Manskie said:

Omg Annie, I saw this on the recently updated and was like 10Hearts!! Such a good response I'm so happy for you... And I agree with Sophia up there ^^. As Ms Laing always says, "Show it, don't say it." Omgosh, I'm so happy for this story Annie!! :D

Glass

almost 6 years ago Sophia Starr said:

Sorry, a bit of my comment was cut off. I think that David should have a bigger reaction. He's a teenager isn't he? Teenagers usually give out their anger using their body. Slamming the table, stomping their feet, etc. when he yells, make sure it's obvious. Add an exclamation mark! Tip: Reread your story and DON'T SKIP any bits. Then you will see the typos and it will help ALOT! LOVED IT!

Reviews(2)

Me2011bnw

almost 5 years ago S.C. Arlet said:

* * * Welcome Review from: Figment Now, the World Later * * *

The concept for this story is a very sweet and touching one. It is easy to see just how much David cares for his little sister Mary. You did a good job representing that and the issues that they face.

Here are a few suggestions to make your story stronger: {ONE} There are quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. Most of these would be fixed though if you just pasted your story into a word processer. Make sure you are using the right punctuation after someone has spoken. I noticed a lot of comas after a quote, but then someone else would be speaking in the next line. If someone has finished their line, end it with a period inside the quotation marks. {TWO} You should really spell out the numbers for the kids' ages. Also, instead of "...David was 13 and Mary was 4. David is now 16 and Mary is 7." What about something like: Three years have passed since then. (just a thought) {THREE} One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard was show the story/emotion, don’t tell it. EXAMPLE: instead of saying someone is mad, show us with the side effects like heat/red rushing to their face, teeth clenched, hands balled into fists. This is just an example, but I think that if you added more of the emotions and descriptions, you would really bring this story to life.

I really do think you have a great start here. It’s a little ruff on the grammar side, but your main idea is clearly represented and touching. I really do like David and how much he loves his sister. Keep up the good work! With a little bit more effort, you can turn this good story into a great one! Seriously, I did enjoy this. :)

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almost 6 years ago Alia R. said:

i liked this, it was really sweet, though like everyone says, you could improe it a little=) could you give some of my stuff a read sometime?