The Flying Dutchman-Take Two

The Flying Dutchman-Take Two

6 chapters / 296 words

Approximately 1 minute to read

Description:

The fltying dutchman from the modern day-this was a schol project froma year ago

Comments(18)

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over 5 years ago claire-D-cat said:

i think this is a good start:) at one point you had a period outside of quotes, but it should be inside:P but other that that this was really great:)

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almost 6 years ago Maia Sheinfeld said:

I think this is a good piece, but you should add more details.

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almost 6 years ago Vivian Thai said:

I think you are off to a good start although it seemed kind of flat. But maybe it will all. Ome together with your chapters

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almost 6 years ago Alex Tyler said:

Really good start! I like it!

Reviews(6)

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almost 6 years ago Amarantine said:

It's a shame the other chapters were locked; I was curious to see what was going to happen next, because I'm not quite sure what to think about the first chapter yet. Your punctuation is a bit off. In the very first sentence, for example, "One day in a magnificent office on Wall Street there was a middle–aged man named George Steel counting some money." You are missing two commas, which was distracting almost right away. Your first sentence/paragraph is very important, and I think that your opening sentence could be better. You introduced George as a very flat, one dimensional character, so you should definitely expand on his character as you continue with your story.

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almost 6 years ago Kaitlyn Elizabeth said:

First off, remove the 'one day' from the beginning of the story. It'll make it sound more intense and serious versus coming off like a fairy tale. Also, your punctuation concerning dialogue needs to be corrects. It's either (end.") or (end," other words, "continue) or (end?") or (end!). Try to correct that a little. Also, I would have liked more character development in the story just so that I can get a feel for who Taylor is and what he wants. The whole part about Taylor giving the dad money for his daughter is a little odd and I'm not quite sure how that works. Details would be appreciated. And finally, why is Taylor in the office anyways? How did he get there, what does he want... Try to make the backstory a little more clear; define what events led to this scene here. Other than than, this is really great and I love the modern twist on an old urban legend.