Toxic Love

Toxic Love

1 chapter / 500 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

The dangers of Carbon Monoxide!!!!! For the Fracture Contest!!

Genres:

Drama, Short Story

Comments(28)

Leigh

almost 6 years ago Leigh said:

Good luck in the contest, this is really good. (:

Mac

almost 6 years ago Delta Robberts said:

Really interesting I liked it :D I actually didn't even notie that the characters didn't have names till I read the comments, that means you did it good :D You should proof read but other than that it was really cool :D just one thing though, I thought the the promt said it had to be a sort of paranormal surviveal? it's a real good story but does it fit the parameters of the contest?

Propicfig

almost 6 years ago Kaia said:

This was really interesting, and I enjoyed it :) I thought it was a great take on the prompt.

One thing I would suggest is adding more description. It reads kind of like a summary of the events, not really allowing the reader to connect with the characters and their emotions. It's a very emotional story, so this is important. You have plenty of words left, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Great job, though, and good luck ;)

Tumblr_nyv2rkbbaw1ru32dqo1_500 (2)

almost 6 years ago cIoud said:

I'm going to be pretty brutal, so bear with me here.

"...but underneath he knew was a drunk." Knew was a drunk? Or knew HE was a drunk? "Their were blessed..." Their were blessed, huh? I think you mean that THEY were blessed. "...for her husband it was to late he was addicted." How about you put a comma after husband, fix "to" to make it "too," and make "he was addicted" a completely different sentence. Her face was sor? I think you mean sore. "she broke down with tears." Capitalize "she." Change "with" to "in." "...he sat their and thought." He sat their, huh? I think you mean "there." "...very nauseous and a severe headache." So she was very severe headache. That makes no sense. She HAD a severe headache might work better. I'm sorry to say it, but I just didn't like this story very much. Your grammar leaves something to be desired - you may want to buy a dictionary and learn proper English. Also, you have extreme run-on sentences and your paragraphs were blocky and far too large. Fix up your story, and then contact me. Then I may decide to read it again. I'm sorry for my comment, since I'm sure you'll be offended; I'm a jerk. I know. =P

Reviews(6)

7294_10201370862383318_686734600_n

almost 6 years ago Jessica Anne said:

I loved this! Really sad, but I would love to read more! I think the story would've been better if we could actually see how upset the husband got after realizing he had unintentionally killed his wife and baby. That emotion is very powerful and it would be a really nice addition to the story to see his reaction! But other than that, I totally loved this! Love your writing style, and this was a really good idea:)

Whale

almost 6 years ago Sophia said:

That was really well written. Some grammatical errors that need to be fixed. It was a sad ending I have to admit but a really good story. NICE JOB!