over 2 years ago T.M.T.U. said:

A very interesting plot, but you beat the story to death by "telling" us everything! A fundamental principle of writing is "Show, don't tell". The reasons are multiple, but the all boil down to the same thing, it makes the story more interesting. For instance, being set in a universe where people live on lilypad cities, you have quite a lot to explain to us readers to "get us up to speed". These descriptions, however, are as dry as sandpaper, because you "tell" us EVERYTHING. You also need to work on your voice and modulation, which are currently rather unfavorably harmonizing with your parched descriptions to turn it all into a sea of monotonous boredom. Wow...I really don't mean to be that harsh, but this story needs a lot of work. I think your basic idea shows a LOT of promise, though...

After writing that review, I don't feel right asking you to review my entry...but I hope my honest assessment helps you become a better writer!