Caught in the middle

Caught in the middle

1 chapter / 1356 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Typical of Celene to fall in love with her eldest brother's best friend, Keith, who, by the way, only knows her as the annoying little sister of his best friend. Keith just puts up with her because her brother will get mad if he doesn't. Bottom line? Keith hates her. Or at least doesn't like her. But that is only what Celene thinks, of course....
Note: The phrase sentences (For example, "Exactly.") are intentional.

Genres:

Comedy, Romance, Novel

Comments(9)

Black bird

over 4 years ago Aviline said:

This is good. It seems rushed, but it's good.

Tumblr_m54nqejn0f1r3nd9fo1_500

almost 5 years ago pamely nunez said:

i like this

17519_560612027291175_653430529_n

over 5 years ago Cait Cher said:

Aw man, that's how my love life is too. I really like this story.

Photo (8)

over 5 years ago Gabriella Gamez said:

I really like this! Nice job

Reviews(5)

Skrivekugle

over 5 years ago Victoria Caslon said:

Definitely easy to relate to! Why do the most obnoxious brothers always have the hottest friends? ;) You're off to a great start, but I have a few suggestions.

First, there are a few awkward sentences (examples: "This move almost makes me fall flat on my face due to the fact that Jess and Julie are pulling my hands while running but I don't care." You should rephrase this overly-long sentence or at least add some punctuation to help it flow better. And this sentence is confusing: "It was too late for him to choose to tell us his last name since a teacher called for him using his given name." How about something like, "At the beginning of the first class of the semester, we all heard another teacher call him by his given name. After that, it was too late for him to insist that we use his last name.")

Second, please describe the school's layout in more detail. I found it difficult to visualize the action. At first you refer to a "hall," but then you talk about bushes and sheds.

Third, you spell Ms. De La Cruz's name two different ways. Watch out for typos!

Fourth, make sure you format quotes correctly. Every time a new person speaks or does something, you should start a new paragraph. For instance: I shake my head. "No, go on without me. I'll follow," Julie snorts at me. The use of a comma makes it look like JULIE is speaking here. To avoid confusion, "Julie snorts at me" should be a separate paragraph.

Tumblr_lw0z9kbuom1qipu41o1_400_large

over 5 years ago Ronnie said:

I have to say I like the way the chapter ended, how everybody's eyes were on her while Celene's eyes were focused only on Keith. In a general, this was pretty good; it's a topic that is relatable. However, the first thing I noticed was that when writing quotes, you put periods instead of commas when ending. Yes, you sometimes put periods instead of commas, but when you write something like "blah blah blah blah." Julie said, you would put "blah blah blah blah," Julie said. Secondly, I think another thing your story could benefit from is if you develop both your characters and setting better. We know hardly about the physical appearance of your characters (even the protagonist!) or what their personality was like. Lastly, something I always do is when I'm done with a chapter, I read it out loud. Doing this helps you find awkward sentences. You had some of these, but I would pay special attention to the dialog; there were times when it didn't really sound natural and almost forced.