Captured Love

Captured Love

3 chapters / 2370 words

Approximately 12 minutes to read

Description:

This is MY version of Erica Deardorff's- Slave Girl. She is my close friend, and I DO have permission to do this, so go ahead and read, comment, heart, etc. Check her story out, too!! :D

Genres:

Drama, Romance, Novel

Comments(5)

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over 5 years ago Barbara C. Doyle said:

Amazing!

Walk home from park

almost 6 years ago Erica Deardorff said:

Natalie, this is really good(: I was sooo happy when you asked if you could do your own version of my story:D I love you so much Natalie(:

Nnnnn

almost 6 years ago Natalie Rose said:

I started this story over (read description) so any comments/reviews that are before- 1/28/2012 are old, and do NOT relate to this story. Thanks!

Walk home from park

almost 6 years ago Erica Deardorff said:

This is way better than my story could ever, ever be! Natalie, you are an amazing writer (: By the way, I love your new hair:D

Reviews(1)

Poker face tav

almost 6 years ago Joanne Kaiser said:

Alright. To begin, I must point out grammar and spelling. There were a good many errors in spelling in this piece, which could easily be rectified through spell check; for instance, when you wrote 'Petrafied' rather than 'Petrified,' 'all of the sudden' rather than 'all of a sudden,' or 'ragging fist' rather than whatever exactly you meant by that. Another convention which seemed to give you trouble is tense. You repeatedly switched between present and past tense throughout the story. Many of your sentences were awkward to read, coming off either as run-on sentences due to comma misuse, or simply a bit nonsensical. For instance, the phrase 'and I knew for sure I was dead when he cut the rope instead of me.' This makes it seem like she knew he was going to kill her because he cut the rope, not that she was sure that she was going to be killed, but then he cut the rope, which she did not expect. As for comma misuse, things such as 'He said, in a seductive voice, I was a little confused.' Left me feeling a little confused, myself. The way you placed the commas, Thomas seems to be saying "I was a little confused," in a seductive voice. Instead, it would be better to separate the two phrases into two sentences: 'He said in a seductive voice. I was a little confused.' It's much less awkward to read this way, and much more difficult for the reader to become confused. Your descriptions tend to get a little out of hand- be honest, if you'd been kidnapped and tied up, if you were fearing for your life, even if your captor was a very attractive man, would you mentally process all the little details about the swoop and colour of his hair, how his eyes sparkled? Would you really describe his hair with the word 'mocha?' And your adjectives went way out of control on lines such as 'I began rolling my head, around and around, slowly and graceful, but strong and powerful.' First of all, what is being described here? The movement of her head? If so, indicate as such. Furthermore, why would she be describing herself, a kidnapping victom who just took a big whallop to the head, as being strong and powerful? She is in a situation where she lacks power, and is aware of it. The fact that she would use those words to describe herself in this situation just doesn't make sense. Be more clear with what you are describing, and make sure it makes sense in context. Your dialogue and pacing are extremely choppy- sometimes, they don't even sound like they have a complete grasp of English, themselves. I know it's supposed to be set in the 1900s, but you really could have done more to create a setting. Just using twine rope and wooden shampoo bottles, does not a historical setting make. You could have done more research, referenced to events at the time, even looked up some slang from the era to give it the proper vibe, the main characters being teenagers. The set-up and setting just felt lazy, as though thrown in there for 'ambiance.' And that's never okay. It drags the whole piece down. In terms of pacing, Sophie sure seems to warm up to and learn to trust her kidnapper pretty quickly. As an orphan for five years living in a crapsack home, probably dirt broke and hungry all the time, why would she be so quick to trust some stranger who kidnapped her? Even if he was being kind to her, she doesn't seem terribly wary at all. Her character was not flushed out, if indeed she has one rather than just being a vessel upon which the romance novel is meant to happen. I suppose Thomas's motivation for kidnapping Sophie will be revealed in later chapters, but his behaviour is completely nonsensical. Why would some 'broken' boy who just needed someone to love tie up and hit the girl whose affections he is trying to win? And where does he get the money to give Sophie this really nice room without his parents or guardians or somebody in authority finding out, and why did he pick Sophie to begin with anyways? He made no reference to having ever met her before kidnapping her, which makes his potential motivations all the more confusing and obfuscated. Again, Sophie gives in very quickly, spinelessly accepting his authority for the sake of the kidnap-fantasy plot. It's not realistic. The whole set-up feels contrived; even if Sophie is developing some kind of Stockholm Syndrome affection for Thomas, that would take much longer to set in. Now, this may sound a little harsh, but were I you, I would start from scratch. Maybe keep the names. Work on defining the characters, giving them human traits rather than just being skin sacks to live out a personal romance fantasy. Do more research on the time period, and get a better handle on the English language and its grammatical conventions, both from that time period and the more modern version. Aside from purely sexual romance, when two people are attracted to each other, feel romantically for one another, it is due to aspects of their character that the other appreciates, admires, or shares. You cannot make a convincing, interesting romance by tying up a bland girl with no evident personality traits, at the hand of some temperamental, unstable guy whose motivations are less clear than a brick wall. That's really all there is to say on the matter.