Countdown

Countdown

1 chapter / 1474 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

Two long-time friends sit in class and contemplate their (possible) impending demise.

Comments(10)

Annika and naomi nov 2013 1966

over 5 years ago annidani said:

~Swap~ This was an interesting story. The dialogue felt very real and the story did, too. I caught some punctuation errors, but other than those, there was nothing. I also liked how Figment says it takes 7 minutes to read this, but that might just be a coincidence. Anyway, good job. :)

Running away

over 5 years ago Laura Chisholm said:

Well first of all, your dialogue is amazing! I could practically hear them talking next to me haha :) I wish it had a little more setting though. You devoted an entire paragraph to describing it, but maybe insert bits and pieces throughout the dialogue as well? Other than that, very interesting, I quite enjoyed reading this conversation :)

Real baron copy

over 5 years ago Masque said:

Wow, this is really neat. I felt like I got a really good sense of the characters, and it was interesting to read. Usually I'm not a fan of stories that are mostly dialogue, but it worked quite effectively in this piece. You know what I was thinking as I was reading this? I was thinking it would make a neat little one act play. Good work!

Mac

over 5 years ago Delta Robberts said:

I got totally drawn in :D really interesting premise for a story and well writen :D ARRGH I want to know if the sun really went out or not!!!! lol great work, sorry I took so long for the swap!

Reviews(1)

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over 5 years ago Mad Hatter said:

Swap for Upon Waking

'"Seven minutes[,]" [s]aid Maury,' - Since there is a dialog tag, it's a comma rather than a period.

'... it's really far away, so [the last of its light will take seven minutes to get here].' - In my own opinion, this flows better. I had to read it twice, which means its awkward. If you don't find this to be true, just ignore me.

Ah, I love the whole description of the parabola of no return. I'm a math geek.

'.... the sun going out[,] that is, that's the...' - When I read it, I paused there. It's your call to throw in that comma or not.

More parabola-ness. Love it.

'So what was the peak then?' - Instead of peak, since you're using a parabola as a comparison, you could use vertex, but again, all on you here.

'"Ahh you're full of shit[,]" Hank said, rolling his eyes.'

More dialog with following dialog tags and no commas. I'm going to stop pointing this out, but be aware of this error.

Ouch. I pet-peeve of mine. Ok. It's either O.K. or okay. I don't know where people started getting away with just ok, but it sure as hell isn't right.

'Like that time in [second] grade when you...'

'It was really good[.]" He seemed...' - Now you're missing a period haha

Overall: I think you really got me with the parabola's. I'm hearting this for sure. Your dialog has a very smooth flow to it, and is very realistic. I could imagine real people saying it. And you really leave readers hanging. Damn, man, I love this.