The Witches of Ravensbourne

The Witches of Ravensbourne

9 chapters / 27630 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read

Description:

Natalie Raven is many things. She is a foster child, a new girl at Ravensbourne High School, and an all round rather pleasant person. But an ordinary teenager is one thing that she most certainly isn't. New to her powers and not able to tell anyone, Natalie moves to Ravensbourne thinking that she must hide herself away and never tell anyone her secret. However the superstitions of the towns-people and the dark and magical past of Ravensbourne mean that she may not have to be as secret as she once thought. But when others step forward claiming to the same as her Natalie's life is about to become a whole lot more complicated than just being a teenage witch.

Comments(4)

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over 5 years ago Devin Kile said:

love your descriptions, could use a bit of editing but what book can't. You are getting your plot integrated well. Love the title, cover and overall Idea. Awesome job. can't wait for more!

Flowers

over 5 years ago PaigeD said:

Good idea and strong imagery; just be sure to watch for commas:) Other than that, great start!

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over 5 years ago Julia World~Weaver said:

I read only the first two chapters, but I loved it! It has similar ideas to many other things but it wasn't cliche. Good job!! :)

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almost 6 years ago Cordelia Gallo said:

One word of caution: Beware of accidentally switching POVs. Not bad, but I would add more "showing" instead of "telling." Interesting concept/plot though ^__^

Reviews(3)

Wolf_by_m_a_t_h_e_s

over 5 years ago OfTheWolf said:

I'm finishing the reviews I started 3 months ago. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but I haven't had internet. So, taking into consideration everything that I have already said just keep in mind those things for these next few chapters. You have a missing 'k' on 'look'-it says 'Natalie she got this very excited loo on her face.' Try to avoid words like 'got' as well, because they it is the lazy version of the verb. Its a very long text conversation that could be cut down to just the crucial information to make it quicker and seem more important. You could cut out the 'what sort', 'more than one meaning' and 'whats it for' ones. Also it is obvious it isn't Halloween, so you don't need her to respond with the 'I don't actually think' sentence and just cut straight to 'Like I said, I think...'. 'Scaring people is probably part of her job' not 'if probably'. Either 'didn't mean it' or 'hadn't meant it', but not 'didn't meant it'. Should be 'half the people here' not 'there' since they are in the town presently. Question: Why does she freak out when he says witchcraft? Earlier in the text she said the towns history that was influencing the festival must have something to do with witches. This is an inconsistency. Alright, this was all chapter 3 edits. Overall your writing is very good-just a few little things here and there. My main concern is that your hook isn't very strong. It is increasingly reminding me of that Secret Circle series, which is a great concept, but your presentation/story lacks speed. I've read the first three chapter and by this point is when you usually want to introduce the "problem" so as to keep the reader. One or 2 chapters to introduce and entice the reader and the BAMM! you have to give them something more- usually the beginning of the main issue. I'm supposing you hinted at it with the necklace, but you can't hint for much longer. Just a suggestion. Happy writing :)

Wolf_by_m_a_t_h_e_s

over 5 years ago OfTheWolf said:

A free-read from The Write Place Alright, so I'm reading 2 chapters of each of the novel's-in-progress from the group discussion and then I will be back to finish the rest when I get through them all :) Chapter one: Usually before 'but' there is a comma. Mrs. Evans should be like that, with a period. It should read '...there was something wrong with her; something about her just didn't feel right.' or '...there was something wrong with her. There was something about her that just didn't didn't feel right.' When you use dialogue tags(said, asked, shouted, began, muttered, whispered, etc.) you need to use commas and not periods they should look like this "We'll be out of her in no time," said Mrs. Evans as she ran her hand through her hair and pushed her glasses further up her nose. Missing word-'The woman practically ignored her, but...' Typo- should say '...so it was likely that people got them confused.' The sentence 'However, it hadn't...find the place.' is very wordy and a bit confusing and hard to understand. There doesn't look there are spaces between the words 'from Southampton then'. Also, it should be 'than'. Shouldn't Mrs. Evans know where it is since she grew up there? Depending on style it is okay to start a sentence with 'And', but I would try not to do it so often, because it isn't technically correct. So...is the dialogue from the new parents when they meet her supposed to be kind of rude? What do they mean by 'what you were'? 'so we thought we'd take you' and 'you would make no difference' is a very uncouth way to say what you mean. Unless these people are meant to be weird and rude, this dialogue is unrealistic. You keep mentioning her doubt that John couldn't have done this or that. I suggest you put in some evidence or even reasons she thinks these things or else you run the risk of looking ignorant(sexist); plus the reader can't tell if these thoughts are true or just Natalie's opinions, so the reader has a hard time grasping John's character. Chapter two: [keep in mind the tips on tags, commas, but, and, And.] I didn't want to list your typos again in this chapter, because this review is already quite long. I suggest giving it a quick read to catch the few missing words and letters and to check that you used the word right. You have great sentence length variety, but your longer sentences can get a bit wordy. Try to keep it to a maximum of two action verbs. Overall: So far I am really impressed. It feels well thought out and together. The plot seems super strong and since I enjoy reading it I assume you love writing it. Natalie is strong with a sense of sass that I just love. A few of the minor characters need a little work, just so that they aren't completely overshadowed by Natalie's brilliance. I saw that someone else warned you that this type of story can be overdone, and he/she is right. For some reason I was reminded of The Secret Circle, even though its quite different. Its the similar themes and concepts that you you have to be careful of. But hey, those these types of stories are often successful, so good luck to you. Keep on Writing :)