Mistake

Mistake

5 chapters / 2400 words

Approximately 12 minutes to read

Description:

PLEASE DO NOT READ!!!! Sophie and Jordan. Hillary and Brad. Not Sophie and Brad. Everything was going wrong. Awesome cover by: Silverpool Wonderland!

Genres:

Writing, Drama, Romance

Comments(14)

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almost 6 years ago Julia W. said:

This is great! There's a few grammar problems, but not much. I absolutely love it. Normally I'm not a romantic, but this held my attention. PLEASE post the last chapter!

Oh cool

almost 6 years ago Morgan Johnstone said:

very sweet and romantic!! I love it... Only a few grammar issues... But, make it clearer that it's Claires birthday the first time you mention it. I didn't understand at first it was someones birthday.

Coffee

almost 6 years ago ShadowLight(Samantha) said:

This is sooo sad, but I'm glad it worked out between Sophie and Jordan. Fingers crossed for a happy ending between the other couple! This was written very well, although there were quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes. Overall, this is really good so please continue! Keep writing! :)

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almost 6 years ago Tiffany Schell said:

Wow. Such a wonderful piece of work, and such a beautiful beginning. Everything fits in perfectly. Great job! :)

Reviews(1)

Me 1963

almost 6 years ago Linda D said:

Please don’t think that because I am critiquing this, doesn’t mean I didn’t like it. I am only going through it with my fine tooth comb, because I know you want to get better. You have a talent for writing, but you need to hone in on that talent by seeing what confuses your reader. You know what you mean, your job is to convey that to us. So although I liked this, here are my snags: Pg 1. You mostly read Sophie letter. But you need to intersperse it more with what Hilary was feeling. Get us in her head more. Pg 2. Only (ones) still there If everyone else “already left” then you were the only ones still there, not “just about” You don’t need “I didn’t need to hear this right now” Jordan’s words say that. “this only mad(e) her cry harder.” The feeling you are describing are the effects of Adultery. That may seem like a harsh word-usually only said for married couples breaking a marriage vow, but the word itself “Adulterate” means to “taint, stain, less pure” and by kissing another they had “adulterated” the relationship. Broken a trust. That is why the feeling is so crushing. You may want to use condemning words like “betrayed” get us to feel the hurt, not just show it on the outside. Showing us that they cried, yes, but let us “feel” the pain of the betrayal by their inner words. “Now he is(;) who know where(,) all depressed and alone” you need that grammar in there otherwise that sentence doesn’t read well. “I drove around my house” My neighborhood, or “I drove around” just leave out “my house” otherwise my image is driving circles around the house. “I tip toe a tiny ways over to him” “Tiny” give the image of going a little distance, but then you add “over to him”. I’m not too sure what you are trying to portray, but you need to fix that sentence somehow. There are some typos down the bottom of page 3, and pg 4 you didn’t “publish” so I couldn’t see it. It is hard to do to get in each of their heads and get each one’s perspective, but I think you a good start to accomplished that. You don’t need phrases like “With that” or “With that thought” “with those words” we know it is Jordan or Sophie thinking and brings the reader outside of their head, and not in. Just keep writing. You have the talent. Keep tweaking it to get us to “feel”