11 months ago Haley Burgmyer said:

I need to read chapter eight so PLEASE publish it! :D ~Haley

11 months ago Farin L. said:

Interesting concept and idea! I'm not a big fan of realistic fiction, so I don't read it often, but honestly? I think you need some work. First of all, there are a bunch of spelling and grammar errors-actually enough to distract me from the story, although that may just be me being picky. :D Secondly, the dialogue. I've been told I have skill with dialogue, which is probably why I noticed the stiffness and unrealisticness of your dialogue. For example, what mother says 'You're GONNA be late', using the word 'gonna'? Not many, I think. As for descriptions, I feel as if you're adding in words just for the sake of describing-which doesn't help with flow. Try to easily blend descriptions with other things, so they don't stand out quite as much. Otherwise it just sounds like a random word added in or a random, sort of odd, explanation. Your characters are good, though. Pretty well thought through, although a teeeeennnnyy bit of fleshing out could help. Overall, I'll be coming back to read more when you update-but do fix those errors if you can! :)

-Farin L.

11 months ago Leigh-Anne said:

Okay, so, emotion did come through, but some parts just seemed confusing to me. There were random times when somebody spoke and I had no idea who it was because you didn't specify their name, and you were mixing up your tenses a lot. It was quite good and all, but there are mistakes that could be easily fixed. So, happy writing.

11 months ago Kyna Garrett said:

Great work! Just a few spelling/grammar errors, but nothing you can't fix. Other than that, great story and keep it up!