Comments(9)

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over 5 years ago Cerulean said:

Wow! I love the twist at the end...and the whole rose metaphor was spot on. Great job! Keep writing!!

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over 5 years ago Beth said:

Ooh, I like this. It's got a wonderful style to it, a really gorgeous kind of atmosphere.

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over 5 years ago Rosan 't Mannetje said:

Wauw, that was sooo beautiful. I love this kind of stories.

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over 5 years ago Masque said:

Woah, that was nice. The last line was great! It really concluded the whole thing dramatically, and I have a thing for dramatic endings. Very nice.

Reviews(3)

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over 5 years ago marleann said:

I did NOT expect that ending! Ha! It was a good one though. Very nice quality of writing throughout the whole piece. The vocabulary was nice and the description as well. All in all, great job.

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over 5 years ago Alice Danielle said:

I'll write to you my comments as I'm reading:

"Beautiful she was, as men ogled her floating crimson dress and her ebony tinted hair, she dismissed their wooing with no reaction, her pale face emotionless as she sauntered into the alleyway." Woah. First sentences shouldn't have this much of an overload of information. The piling of adjectives makes for both confusion in the reader's mind and awkwardness in your sentence. I'm not 100% sure it's grammatically correct either. You've added a modifier (as men ogled her floating crimson dress and her ebony tinted hair), and for a modifier to be grammatically correct in a sentence, you should be able to take it out and have the sentence still make sense. "Beautiful she was she dismissed their wooing with no reaction, her pale face emotionless as she sauntered into the alleyway," is not grammatically correct. I suggest rewriting this sentence entirely.

"Her sapphire eyes stopped glinting as the shadow from the tall buildings surrounded her when she entered the alleyway." More awkward sentence structure. I'll point out the things I find wrong with it. Firstly: You never mentioned her sapphire eyes glinting in the first place. The reader stops in confusion, wondering where this information came from. (Again with the adjective overload) Secondly, there is more than one building, and subsequently more than one shadow. Thirdly, you've now mentioned her entering the alleyway twice.

"A well-dressed man halted her stroll." Where did this man come from? I pictured a deserted alleyway. I am so confused. However, I do enjoy the sound of this sentence.

I like this man, he seems nice. Your sentences are improving here (:

"Most beautiful lady, your elegance shines even in the darkest of places." Well isn't that just poetic and adorable :D

"While admiring the roses, she felt a hand worm into her pocket. A man’s head also rested on her shoulder and whispered in her ear, “Thank you for the donation, my lady. This will pay for the flowers.”" My first thought was: RAPE! Also: her dress has pockets? For some reason, I had assumed that she was wearing a dress. Oh, wait, no, I hadn't assumed. You said she was wearing a "floating crimson dress." With pockets? AHHH INCONSISTENCY. Oh, well. Her dress can be special. With pockets.

"The thief fell and the reassuring crack upon the stones determined his broken back." Lol, he broke his back from a simple fall :P fail..

"His mouth was cut from his lip up to his ear. He screamed, the gaping split opening to reveal his back teeth and jaw." Oh my God D: This reminds me of batman, and the joker with his creepy scars and tendency to slit people's cheeks open into smiles. -shiver-

"The well- dressed man tried to run, but fell on his face as if he tripped. It was not his clumsiness, but the silver dagger impaled into his back." How on Earth is he running with a broken back?

"Her crimson dress slithered over the fallen men as if they were just mere cobblestones upon one’s path." Where did these other men magically appear from? Or am I supposed to just assume that she's done this many times in that same alleyway now, with no one picking up the bodies? I'm sorry, I'm just terribly confused.

"“Even the most beautiful rose has its thorn.”" I like this ending, but I believe that thorn should be plural here. Idk. Not sure, but pretty sure.

Overall, looking back I really did like the story as a whole. The story line was interesting, and I like the woman's strength and admirable ability to take care of herself. However, I believe this needs some SERIOUS revision. If you'd like, I'd be happy to assist you with that (: I love editing.

Just suggestions, I hope you don't take to them too harshly.