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Approximately 6 minutes to read
Heather, Danny, Lacey, Christian and Rebecca are five teenage wrecks. In a world of hate and unacceptance, all they have is each other.
over 1 year ago TaintedBlue said:
The only mistake I could see in this story was near the beginning of the story you have an awkward sentence in there, you had, “…juice. It didn’t even bad taste. It…” I think you meant to say that it didn’t even taste bad. Other than that you have an interesting story here. You’re details are amazing and also your characters seem very… real, I guess you could say. Keep up the great work!
over 1 year ago Soley said:
(This is for my swap)This was really well written! Some words were mixed up a bit, but I didn't really see that as a huge problem because everything else was flawless. I love the differences in characters between Monica and Heather. They both have problems, so they are flawed, they are real. The characters are very 3 dimensional, and I really encourage you to continue. This was wonderfully written. Please, continue! I will be following this.
almost 2 years ago Julia A said:
Hey! Wanna swap? I loved your story "Because We're Broken"! Could you read/heart "Just Keep Swimming" please? Feel free to read any of my other writings! Thanks so much! Spread the word.
over 2 years ago Alexandria Serthes said:
This is alright so far, but I noticed several things as far as wording and such, throughout the first chapter. Just reading it through a couple more times should help you find and fix most of the issues though.
Also, exceprt, at the beginning, should be spelled excerpt. That's the only misspelling that I spotted though.
about 1 year ago Calypso Kaden said:
Before I start: let me just tell you that this is not my type of genre. So if I seem mean, it's me, not your writing :)
Ok so so far, I feel as if there is something missing. To make the story more meaningful, I think you should give her a breaking point. What I mean by that is, maybe show that Heather tolerated Monica for many years, and then suddenly she cannot take it anymore. I feel like the swearing can have a lot of potential, put in the right places. Too much of it takes away the feeling that she is really frustrated, since she swears at everything. I'm not really feeling Heather's pain.
This is somewhat a typical story (I mean there are a few already like it) so I think you should create something really heartbreaking in the past.Something to really make the reader want to support Heather.
Here are a few errors I saw, easily fixed. Notes I took while reading.
I feel as if the descriptions in the beginning at just thrown at the reader. You should say that Heather took the pill, yelled, and then describe the scene. Putting it in the start it not the best way to grab the readers attention.
“…and out off of her appetite from that disgusting…” I’m not sure if this is an expression I haven’t heard yet, but if it isn’t, I think you should rewrite this sentence.
“…that imbecile arm of Lacey’s, Derrik, or as most people called him, ‘Dickhead’.” When you mention that Derrick is called ‘Dickhead’, it should be an isolated idea. For example, you should write this instead “…that imbecile arm of Lacey’s, or Derrick’s. However, most people called Derrick ‘Dickhead’. There needs to be agreement.
“‘I find your lifestyle extremely depressing, Mum,’ Heather put it bluntly. 'You’re not having this,” she grunted [,] reaching to snatch the…”
On the good side: I like your descriptions! They paint a nice image. The relationship is realistic between an alcoholic and her daughter.
Overall, nice job.
over 1 year ago Cate McNeil said:
I feel like this has a lot of potential. I'd like to see more (I noticed in the description that it's about five teenagers, while so far only one perspective's been posted) to get a better feel for the story, but what you've got so far is very powerful.
I love the interaction between Heather and Monica. I think you've portrayed the relationship perfectly.
Some small editing things that took away from it a bit (they're a little distracting, and pulled me out of the story, when I wanted to keep reading and learn more):
-In the first paragraph, you had some tense confusion. Change "are" to "were" and it's good to go
-"It didn't even bad taste": typo?
-"Heather fixated": maybe use 'fixed' instead?
-"You'll have been...": typo? ('seen'?)
-"...already ingested some alcohol...": Just a suggestion, but I think if you take out 'some' this could be more powerful
-"...grunted reaching...": should be a comma in there
-"...sufficiently enough to pay...": you use 'pay' twice in this sentence. Change one (ie: 'sufficiently enough to cover the rent')
-"...at work but once...": 'but' takes away from the point to me
-"And then she ran...": consider just 'she ran'
Overall, great work. You've created a set of believable characters. I look forward to reading more!