Want to follow along with this writing? Sign up Today, it's free and easy
Approximately 6 minutes to read
Heather, Danny, Lacey, Christian and Rebecca are five teenage wrecks. In a world of hate and unacceptance, all they have is each other.
about 1 month ago Christina said:
The only mistake I could see in this story was near the beginning of the story you have an awkward sentence in there, you had, “…juice. It didn’t even bad taste. It…” I think you meant to say that it didn’t even taste bad. Other than that you have an interesting story here. You’re details are amazing and also your characters seem very… real, I guess you could say. Keep up the great work!
2 months ago Soley said:
(This is for my swap)This was really well written! Some words were mixed up a bit, but I didn't really see that as a huge problem because everything else was flawless. I love the differences in characters between Monica and Heather. They both have problems, so they are flawed, they are real. The characters are very 3 dimensional, and I really encourage you to continue. This was wonderfully written. Please, continue! I will be following this.
10 months ago Julia A said:
Hey! Wanna swap? I loved your story "Because We're Broken"! Could you read/heart "Just Keep Swimming" please? Feel free to read any of my other writings! Thanks so much! Spread the word.
over 1 year ago Colette said:
Powerful story, It was beautiful. Great job! :)
2 months ago Cate McNeil said:
I feel like this has a lot of potential. I'd like to see more (I noticed in the description that it's about five teenagers, while so far only one perspective's been posted) to get a better feel for the story, but what you've got so far is very powerful.
I love the interaction between Heather and Monica. I think you've portrayed the relationship perfectly.
Some small editing things that took away from it a bit (they're a little distracting, and pulled me out of the story, when I wanted to keep reading and learn more):
-In the first paragraph, you had some tense confusion. Change "are" to "were" and it's good to go
-"It didn't even bad taste": typo?
-"Heather fixated": maybe use 'fixed' instead?
-"You'll have been...": typo? ('seen'?)
-"...already ingested some alcohol...": Just a suggestion, but I think if you take out 'some' this could be more powerful
-"...grunted reaching...": should be a comma in there
-"...sufficiently enough to pay...": you use 'pay' twice in this sentence. Change one (ie: 'sufficiently enough to cover the rent')
-"...at work but once...": 'but' takes away from the point to me
-"And then she ran...": consider just 'she ran'
Overall, great work. You've created a set of believable characters. I look forward to reading more!
about 1 year ago Lilith Firefly said:
Wow, this was a very good way to introduce your character, your writing was very powerful. I could defiantly hear your character's voice. I really liked it, it's a very good piece.
There was a sentence that sort of confused me, other than what the mother said, so you may want to read through it. I'm pretty sure it was in the beginning. Sorry, I can't remember exactly what it was.
Anyway, very good! I hope that you add more soon! :)