Wild Jungle

Wild Jungle

4 chapters / 17649 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

Life was too short--Njeri knew this all too well. Witnessing her father's mangled body being brought home to Bahari village at a young age barely prepared her for what was to come, nor did banishment from her only childhood home. Njeri's life slowly is encased in turmoil, but the prospect of a better life is her last hope.

With the guidance of her most loyal friend, Kiri, an African cheetah, Njeri faces trials, death, adventures, the wild of her South African home and the jungle of San Fransisco, California.

Comments(10)

Haley_propic[1theoneandonly]

over 1 year ago Haley Kissell said:

Ok, I don't usually do this, but I just read all the chapters and my heart is literally broken. Please bring her back! Or let her take Kiri! It's so sad!!!

Haley_propic[1theoneandonly]

over 1 year ago Haley Kissell said:

Hey there Nochtus! Thanks again for choosing Haley's Heart and Review Emporium!

I read the prologue and I'm SOOOO BROKEN!!!! The punishment is SO SAD!

You are a fantastic writer and this was awesome! You totally sucked me into the story. I liked the way you have one language and then translated it into English but some might find this a bit confusing. The cover is amazing and now I find that I must read more!

Stay awesome and keep writing! Come again soon!

Ga (2)

over 3 years ago Tyler Lynch said:

Just a comment: this doubling of the native African language and then the English language is a bad idea. Use it for words and phrases, not for entire sentences. It detracts from the flow, is confusing, and means nothing to a reader who doesn't know the language.

Other than that, this looks good. Keep writing!

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over 3 years ago Madeleine G. said:

This is really unlike anything I've ever read. I could tell the story was going to be high quality and exciting right off the bat. Another plus, is that even though it is so original, it is easy to read. I would really recommend you continue this one!

Reviews(4)

Win_20160810_20_04_36_pro

over 1 year ago Beth Penrose said:

Here’s your review. I’m sorry if it’s kind of brief but a)this was actually a pretty polished story, so there wasn’t too much to critique and b) I didn’t want to make you wait any longer than you had to.

I really like the tone and wording in this piece. When authors try to assume identities that are radically different from theirs (not to assume that you didn’t grow up in Africa) they often sound stiff or disingenuous. You don’t and your characters sound real. Bravo.

”While I still went on hunting trips with my father, he seemed to go away on more hunting parties with the other warriors and hunters of the village more frequently, leaving me with my mother and Mangeni, a great healer from a neighboring village, and my mother’s best friend.” This sentence is kind of long and clunky, and you have some repeated words. I would recommend seeing where you can cut out words and still get your message across. For example, you don’t need the ‘more’ before ‘hunting parties’ and perhaps you can cut out ‘of the village’ after ‘warriors and hunters’. You could even make the sentence two sentences. “….with the other warriors and hunters of the village more frequently. I was left with my mother…” If you cut off “and my mother’s best friend” at the end you could say something like “leaving me with my mother and her best friend Mangeni”. Just some suggestions.

”When the buffalo gave birth” do buffalo live in Africa? I suppose you would know better than I

Nijeri seems to come up with a plan to get a weapon and avenge her father rather quickly. I know for some the first reaction to grief is anger, but as far as I can tell it’s usually an empty, frustrated anger. I’m just surprised that she jumps to knowing what she’s going to do and how right away.

”I strolled over to one of the hammocks and blinked at the face”. The wording here just seems kind of strange to me. Like maybe ‘squinted’ would work better, but I just have this strange mental image of her blinking rapidly really close to his face.

I really like the idea of Nijeri having her bros and her squad to help her get vengeance. There’s a lot of potential there.

At first saying all of the dialogue in Swahili, then in English was kind of cool, but after a while it starts to feel tedious. I think if you started just saying it in English people would still understand that they were speaking their native language.

”A warm breeze blew threw the wall-less hut” kind of nitpicky, but that’s the wrong form of the word “threw”. It should be “through”.

I can tell what you’re going for with the fight between Nijeri and Sefu, but it feels kind of contrived to me. I don’t really understand the debate between going through the jungle versus the open field. Either way they’re in danger, so how in Nijeri bolder for wanting to go through the jungle? Maybe the fight would make more sense if you were to explain that she’s been pushing down her fear, anger, and pain all night and she just can’t control it anymore and takes it out on Sefu.

I guess at this point I don’t understand why no one in the village is doing anything about Nijeri’s father’s death. If he’s the best warrior/hunter they had wouldn’t they make some plan to retaliate? Is Nijeri just too impatient for them to put something in motion?

I guess you’re trying to show us how bold and reckless Nijeri is, to the point of stupidity, but it doesn’t really make sense to me for her to fight the attackers alone when she could make it back to the village with her friends. Maybe she was buying them time? It seems to be a common thread that you’re trying to tell us what the characters are doing without really telling us why they’re doing it, which just kind of leaves the reader confused.

Where does the name Farih come from? Does it mean something?

Nijeri seems to go from being angry at Asad to thinking of him like her father rather quickly. Maybe you should let that develop more before trying to make her like him more.

Sefu seems to be telling Nijeri about the attack on her village pretty casually. Maybe you should have him be more mournful, or wary of Lebna Ebo, since the most important personin their village was just killed.

So Lebna Ebo says what Nijeri’s punishment is but I’m having a hard time picturing it. Maybe you could explain it better by having her imagine what it will be like?

Final thoughts: this chapter is pretty long and covers a lot of action for an opener. I would suggest breaking it into two or more chapters and slowing down the pace a little. We don’t need Nijeri reacting to her father’s death immediately, then everything in the jungle, then forming a relationship with Asad, then coming back to the village and being punished. In reality things happen over time and emotions take time to simmer. Try showing some of that. You have a strong skeleton of a story, but try fleshing it out more. Thanks for your patience in waiting for the review.

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over 3 years ago Lauren Wiseman said:

Chapter Two:

I like the chapter title. It has some hope, but some foreboding, too.

“I didn’t believe her at first, [so] I climbed [a] tree and told her if the chief really wanted to see me, he could come [for] me [himself].”

“…and glared up at me with [fiery] eyes.”

I like how even though Njeri was quite flippant with the chief, she still holds a measure of respect for him. And you’re right, she does have a right to be angry, but she still is shocked that he came, and I think you portrayed that balance well without going into “tell reader” territory.

The phrase “accent edged his voice like a shadow” made me very happy. It was an excellent use of words.

“…though he was much [too] heavy to sustain [at] any height.”

“…panting heavily [with] sweat running down his forehead.”

I think rather than calling it “serious, yet angry” look, call it a “stern” look, because that’s the right blend between serious and angry.

“…from an old shirt (cut “of mine”) I had outgrown.” (Condenses it, but the meaning remains.) “‘And you also use this[,]’ I said…”

“He gaze a last look of annoyance…” (The phrase is a bit wonky, and I am not quite sure what you’re going for here, so fix this phrase.)

“[He] paused…”

“…and looking at me as if [he were] asking a favor, I grew red[-]faced…”

“I barricaded myself…new items for trading.” That sentence is *long.* Too long, in fact. Figure out a way to split it up, preferably into multiple sentences, because there’s just too much there.

Maybe italicize on “I’ll” in “I’ll miss you.” It adds some emphasis and variety to the sentence.

“‘I know, [Mama].’”

“[I realized then] he would make a good hunter.”

“His lower lip throbbed [violently.]”

“…half[-]smiling [at] me before I started to turn.”

“‘I love you, sweetheart[,]’ she said.”

“…who was again (no comma) lost, alone, and afraid.”

This was a stupendous chapter. So many amazing character things happened in this chapter. Njeri’s interaction with Lebna Edo just made me so happy, because there was a terrific blend of respect, rebellion, and possibly friendship buried under apparent antagonism. It takes skilled writing to make such a layered relationship apparent in such a short amount of time.

Then the emotion at the end of the chapter was spectacular, too. You had a good blend of tears, and then the gut-wrenching, chest-aching feelings, too. Emotion is layered in so many ways, and I think you did a fantastic job of including those layers.

Excellent work!