Hes

Hes

3 chapters / 11462 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

When your imagination becomes real
SWAPS: Read as much as you see fit ^^
(To the people who are still following this, in the two years since I received your extremely helpful critiques, I believe I have addressed the issues. Your advice was vastly helpful :'))

Comments(9)

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about 1 year ago ShadowKingLegette said:

Very likeable and full of detail. There were errors/mistakes which need correction but all in all good story.

Orophin

almost 2 years ago J.D. Thomas said:

Whoa, fast-paced and a bit deep (the good kind of fast-paced) I really enjoyed it! I felt like there was a struggle for control over the narration between first and third person, idk maybe I'm just imagining it.

I only read the Prologue and First Chapter, so if the second chapter didn't complete the story, PLEASSSE keep writing!

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almost 4 years ago eleneia said:

I'm so sorry about the lateness of this (I've been really busy with the holidays and such)! I really like the idea of this, and you paint very vivid pictures with your description. Honestly, I have no idea how you do it, but it's not awkward when you put it in. You have these long, descriptive paragraphs that flow perfectly and I'm just in awe. Amazing work on that.

Also, I love the names in this. Hes, Ara, Kota (though...Kota means "chicken" in Greek, and it's kind of one of those things that is verging on funny for those who know Greek). Your characterization seems good too.

I really liked the prologue, and how you described this girl's imaginary world that turned suddenly real. Then again, the ease with which Hes accepts that it's real is a bit . . . unbelievable? I like how you wrote it, of course, but I think you just need to have a little bit more of an explanation to her feelings as it goes along.

Still, I really liked this! I'm going to follow you so I can keep up with the updates on this. ;) Keep up the great work!

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almost 4 years ago Trail of Glitter said:

Not my genre, but I really loved this! It peaked my interest, and I have to say it was REALLY good! I really do like your descriptions and details, though you could have elaborate on them a bit more. I have to admit, the character referring to his siblings as just that--no names, just ages, and gender--it was a bit weird. So you might want to change that! Overall, loved it. Good job:)

--Glitter

Reviews(15)

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about 1 year ago Mohamed Hammad said:

Normally I would write a review after reading the whole thing. Unfortunately my time is short so I will just review what I got from the prologue until I read the rest.

I must say, your writing has a unique style of story telling. Your descriptions are exquisite and your story sounds very attractive. Hannah's character is well written she feels to me like a woman, who fears her own visions and lives her life in fantasy.

The only complaint I have is the structure of your composition. I struggled with the sentences I barely could understand the chapter. Just descriptions and feelings, but the paragraphs lead to no point. It doesn't mean the chapter is bad, it just means that you need to re-study your structures.

You can start by reading the sentences one by one, out loud or to a friend, and find out where the flaw is, and work on briefly shrinking it down. That way you can make your paragraphs smoother and a lot easier to read and understand. It is always best to read your chapters over and over as soon as you complete them to ensure you have everything ready, and to avoid any grammatical mistakes or misspellings.

But other than that, your story sounds amazing, and I am looking forward to reading the rest, and following up to what happens next. Keep your pen moving :)

Clara oswald 8

almost 2 years ago Wendy Starling said:

PROLOGUE

There are just random notes I make a long the way:

I think "door way" can be one word.

Add a semicolon here: "My two siblings were sitting in the hammock before me[;] and, yes, they were paying attention."

I think you add hyphens here: "The eight[-]year[-]old listened duly…"

I am so relating to Hannah right now xD I'm supposed to be doing school…

And "n" here: "Except the teal had turned out a[n] ugly green."

Add "a" here: "A falling leaf wavered at the tip of [a] branch."

This entire descriptive paragraph with the wall and the wind and the sky is SO beautiful and well done!

Add "a" here: "Here was [a] place where I could be myself…"

You have too periods here for some reason: "I was a travelling nomad, an exiled wolf.."

Plot twist! There are evil people in this place that once seemed to be Paradise. I wonder if in the next chapter they'll turn out to be friendly? Double plot twist! :D

OVERALL Oh my goodness this was SO good and SO cool! I could relate sooo much to Hes! Like her, I have often been labelled "the quiet and shy one", and for similar reasons. I absolutely LOVE your descriptions. Their all beautiful, and unlike most descriptions I read, they're not boring! It's fascinating and lovely the way you use metaphors and similes and imagery--a wonderful combination of all the best literary devices!

You have a few typos, but the story idea and writing is brilliant. I love how it starts out with Hes telling a story. I love how beautifully it demonstrates her powerful imagination.