Concentration (Finished)

Concentration (Finished)

30 chapters / 61167 words

Approximately about 5 hours to read

Description:

Meredith Cappolli dreams about leaving. Being trapped in a place you can't leave is bad enough. Having super powers that put you there is even worse. Subject to tests and training, the facility Meredith is stuck in is no piece of cake.
Awesome cover by Olivia Ossege! :)

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Comments(220)

Beaut

16 days ago kasia jc rivers said:

I didn't finish this yet because I have a lot of reviews to do! But I will definitely get back too this. The storyline is very interesting. Well, I think anything that has supernatural powers is interesting! Your few paragraphs are also very gripping and strong. Sure, it doesn't start with action, but it starts with the main character's thoughts, which builds her character. Her voice is strong, and that is something I really love about your writing. However, I think saying "My name is Meredith Cappolli -etc." makes it less impressionable. Idk how to explain it. It just isn't as appealing to the reader because it's so basic, you know? Try changing that, or at least make it less blunt and more interesting. But overall, good job!

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about 1 month ago Melanie Mills said:

This was fantastic. I could only read a little, but I really enjoyed what I read. The idea that you have is fantastic and I cannot wait to read more. I will try to do so later. :) Keep writing!

Jupiter

8 months ago Arabela said:

Hi. I go to BYU- Utah, and I'm studying editing (Elang430R, if you want to look up my class) and I was wondering if you would be interested in letting me use part of your story for a project we are doing in class. We would be copyediting and reformatting the text in Adobe InDesign and creating a new cover (not that yours is bad). We only need about 30,000 words because it's just a sample. I could send you the finished project back in December. But if you are not interested, I understand. Thanks for your time!

Images (7)

9 months ago Laylah Kenzie Corrally said:

AHHH/!!! I DONT WANT IT TO END!!!!

Reviews(47)

Mq_pp03_edit[1]

about 1 year ago Jasmine q. Lee said:

Okidedoke I read chapter 8 and well, I had to go back and look at ch. 7 since I forgot what was happening. First of all, this was extremely interesting. I loved their little runaway to the Empire State building and I love how we get to know each of the characters...and well, you can just read all my other thoughts about the generality of your novel from the comment from like six months ago.

I have some concerns and suggestions for this chapter in specific though...I took them while I was reading so sorry if they sound terse. Hope it helps and keep in mind its my opinion so feel free to ignore.

"Two of my team were in love" should probably be "Two of my team (members) were in love."

Some of your dialogue isnt indented so it sort of threw me off on who was talking.

There are some spacing problems throughout the piece. For example "In Manhattan" needs a space. It happens twice throughout the chapter.

Soo Gabe starts sleeping because something is bothering him and because of this the Mc is concernted. I will say that that doesnt really make sense to me, especially since usually its hard to sleep when something's bothering us. Maybe change it to he was dazing off or having trouble concentrating. Something like that.

Wait they teleported into a bathroom? A family bathroom I hope...it'd be really awkward since its a cogender party and well...bathrooms arent co-gender.

Anyways hope that wasnt tooooo terse. Keep writing for sure (although I realized you already finished this story) and hopefully this review was helpful!

Telephone

over 1 year ago Steffi May said:

So, I only read the first chapter, but I might come back to read more. I think you have an interesting plot and group of characters set up. However, though you didn't have any grammatical mistakes that I noticed, I felt like it could have been way more detailed. At this point I can't really picture the inside of the facility. You don't have to describe the whole layout, but maybe add something about the lighting or all the wires and computers in the testing labs to make it seem more sinister. Explain how Meredith feels when she's electrocuted and then suddenly heals and when she's controlling things with her mind (especially her anger at the darts and why they're more difficult to move than the chairs) and when she finds out Violet's sick.

Another thing that could be improved is the whole feel of the piece. You tell us that the people in the facility are really stern and it's such an awful place, but to honest I didn't get that feeling at all. The guards and the sergeant are too nice, and if it's really such a strict place, I can't imagine there being no guards or camera at night, or the kids being allowed to sleep in and just wander around the facility and train without supervision. I also found the electricity test a bit odd, how her goal was to block the electricity instead of the evil scientists just shocking her to see what happened. I mean, they could have used a lot of other things that would be less complicated than electricity and then used electricity solely as punishment and not as a 'test'. It's kind of hard to explain, I guess...

But anyway, I'm liking the idea so far and your writing style is pretty good (though it could be more descriptive) and the characters seem promising. So--good work!