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Approximately half a minute to read
Some understanding of Algebra I might be requisite, but not really...
It's not, like, a nerd poem, though. Not that I have anything against nerd poetry; nerd poetry's cool.
about 6 years ago Sam Ardoin said:
Hi Laura. This poem has a ton of potential - you've got big ideas in compact lines, but that means there's going to be a little confusion. First of all, I love the line break between "simplicity" and "Infinity" - it sounds so good read out loud, and the "phrase none and one" too. Now for the criticism, "My panic at realising I was behind" is an awkward fragment. It's important, but maybe try to rephrase it, and fix the grammar. On the subject, if he/she's had the patience for the narrator's delirium, why is he/she leaving the narrator behind? It's a contradiction, so you might want to explain further. The line "I just relied on the symmetry" can be cut down to "I relied on symmetry" which sounds nicer and clearer (try not to use words like 'just' or 'really' or 'very' - they're all in the same family. Sometimes "only" works for "just" too.) The last two lines have little to do with the rest of the poem, except that we assume it's a letter from the narrator to the person who left him/her behind. You say you folded the corners together, so I suppose that's symmetry, but then I'm unsure of whether the ink bled together since it wasn't dry or, since it was symmetrical, it didn't bleed. Ambiguity is OK sometimes, but at the end of the poem it's not because we're already invested in the poem. This is a wonderful poem, though, I really enjoyed it because I was able to think about what your lines meant, which is a good thing! You should definitely work on it some more because editing is so important in the writing process, especially since this poem was great to begin with. Good Luck!
over 6 years ago Laura Carina said:
@Jessie Rohrer and @Alex Farah: Thanks so much for your suggestions about phrasing; I really appreciate your feedback. Although I think I'll keep those sections as they are for now (just 'cause of what I personally had in mind while writing), your comments were really helpful! Also to Jessie and everyone: My personal thoughts behind this were pretty specific, I guess; having heard other people's interpretations, I've been able to read my own work and see it in totally different ways, which I thank all of you for so much! But, unless you're absolutely, like, dying to know those thoughts, I think I'll kind of leave this to everyone's individual interpretation...
over 6 years ago Joana said:
I'd have to agree with others that you don't necessarily get what the poem's actually about the first time around. However, this seems to be the kind of thing that you'd read aloud just for how pretty it sounds. Great job :)
over 6 years ago Jessie said:
very interesting! is this about being close to someone who is very similar to you? that's what I got out of it, and I'm just curious, what makes this great is that there a many different ways to interpret it. I like the way you used "delirium", try to shorten the line with staggering so that it flows better, maybe you want to reword it but it could be as simple as "you had patience for your staggering steps/you had patience for my delirium" - don't know if you like that, it's just a quick example, but it will even out your syllables.
over 4 years ago cloudburstt said:
Loved it. Yes, I was trying to think back to Gr 12 algebra to figure some of it out but great use of a metaphor and amazing symbolism. You are intelligent and creative which is a difficult combination to come by.
"Keep your head in the clouds"
over 6 years ago Kennedy V. Lang said:
It seemed like song lyrics it was so beautiful. I love your word use and the capture of the feeling. Great job! (Even though this is coming from a 13 year old who's probably the biggest poetry amateur ever known)