Empty Swings

Empty Swings

1 chapter / 2066 words

Approximately 10 minutes to read

Description:

Friendships take a lifetime to make, but only a second to break. They can be pieced back together, but they’ll never be the same.

Comments(11)

Rainbow butterfly

over 3 years ago Amanda said:

So raw and relatable, if somehow you can make this into a book I will read it or buy it from the nearest barns and nobles.

Image

over 4 years ago Cassidy Petrillo said:

Oh my ... this was amazing.

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over 4 years ago M said:

This was beautifully written and so sweet! I adore it! You put so much emotion into this one piece, too! Definitely hearted!!!!

Batman ocean

almost 5 years ago Eva Sirois said:

Fantastic!! I absolutely love this short story :)

Reviews(11)

Me

about 4 years ago Gracie Belle said:

Disclaimer: My reviews are usually pretty blunt & straightforward and I focus more on critiques than praising. It doesn't mean I don't like your story and it's absolutely nothing against you personally!

2nd paragraph: The transition between the first and second sentence seems too blunt. Maybe change "Alone." to "I feel cold, alone." That way it takes a little bit from the first sentence. Then I'd take out the third sentence, since "I feel" would be there, and "That's what I am." would be redundant.

4th/5th par: You say "Grass and weeds cover the dirt", but that shouldn't necessarily remind one of ruins, especially since, in the next paragraph, you say "Now, grass begins to regrow." which makes me think that the area is all nice again, until you mention more weeds. I would take out any mention of grass in both paragraphs, since the descriptions seem to be only about the place being run down. Grass, unless dead or overgrown, usually doesn't appear in run down places.

6th par: Since you use the word "Creak" a lot, avoid using the word "creek". Yeah, it's a different thing, but it just sounds weird. Maybe use "river" instead or "trickling of water".

7th par: Change "Now, we act like strangers." to "Now, we're like strangers." since you use the word "Acting" right away in the next sentence.

8th par: Thank you, thank you, thank you for correctly using the semi colon!

10th par: "For as long as this carving..." to the end of the paragraph: I love it, especially the last line. It was sad and a little sarcastic at the same time. Amazing.

12th par: "At fourteen, you don't know what you want." Truer words have never been spoken! Also, props to you for using "fourteen" instead of "14" (which is the incorrect way).

During their conversation, when the narrator says "'Who said you were at the bottom?' I asked. 'You have me. I'm your best friend!'" I think the last 2 sentences are unnecessary. It would work better simpler, with just the one question.

(Kinda lost count after their convo, sorry..) The part that begins, "Everything's changed" take out the " before the word creak.

"The swing shakes, unaccustomed to the newfound weight." First, "newfound" isn't a word; it's "new found". Since you use the word "newly" right after, I'd take out "newfound".

"No longer the die heart tomboy he knew" it should be "die hard".

"You were never out of the picture?" Take out the question mark.

"It's a star adoption dorm" The word "dorm" should be "form".

"If you came here to be forgiven, go away. I forgave you a long time ago." I absolutely love this line.

"You wanted to be on top remember?" There should be a comma after the word "top".

I have a problem with the last few lines. Before them, it seemed like it was going to be a semi-happy ending. I'm glad you didn't make it cliche, with him breaking up with his girlfriend and her still feeling the same way about him like she used to, and they kiss and run off together. I'm SO glad that didn't happen. But, your ending feels too sad, too melancholy, too bitter. I think it would be perfect if you took out the last 2 lines, and then indent before "Creak. Creak. Creak." so it's its own paragraph, and that's the ending. Nothing definite, but keeps up with the "Creak." theme.

And so, your continual use of the word "Creak" was awesome. I loooved how you threw it in most of the paragraphs, reminding the reader that the narrator was on the swings, at this place that used to be so special to her.

In all honestly, I like this story a LOT. It feels so refreshing to not have to tread through a million adjectives and big, fancy words. Your writing is simple and honest, and the conversations felt very realistic. You did a fabulous job here. Keep on writing!

-GB♡

Beach girl

over 5 years ago Natasha V. said:

First of all, it was beautiful!! Nice job. I have a few small suggestions, though. 1. You had a few grammatical errors. Just small things, but at some point you should go back and check for those. 2. I wasn't entirely satisfied with the ending. I mean, yes, it tied it up well, but...I'm not really sure. It wasn't what I had really wanted. 3. I didn't really get the feeling that it had been three years since the fight. It didn't seem like that throughout the piece. Maybe shorten the length of time since the fight. 4. I think having it be three years on that exact day was a bit overboard. That wasn't realistic, but if you want to keep it, then what you could do is this: keep it in, but be sure to mention it in the beginning and throughout as well. Don't just mention it; make it clear it's been on the main character's mind for a while. Overall, super good. It's really well written. Nice job!