Minor Problems

Minor Problems

5 chapters / 8223 words

Approximately 41 minutes to read

Description:

They're the best operatives the American intelligence could ask for. They're America's most dangerous and unprecedented weapons, and are virtually unstoppable. Just one little issue: they're all underage.

Enter squad G21, currently stuck at the bottom of the espionage heap. Follow the underdog team of the 27th sector as they are catapulted into an unforgettable journey to prove themselves to the world, where they learn the importance of cooperation, trust, and a fully-loaded Beretta.

Please read the author's note below and put a ✽ in your critique if you have read it. Thanks!

Comments(8)

600_2ae98cef154a7874793e15aa3d62b011

about 5 years ago Olive P. Zabeth said:

This is such an interesting take on a story this unique. This could have ended up being boring and over exxagerated, but instead is well wirtten and humourous. this story is incredibly intruging and full of mystery and the characters are well thought and don't all blend together. I particurally like Lizzie, and can't wait the find out more about her. Keep up the good work.

600_2ae98cef154a7874793e15aa3d62b011

about 5 years ago Olive P. Zabeth said:

This is such an interesting take on a story this unique. This could have ended up being boring and over exxagerated, but instead is well wirtten and humourous. this story is incredibly intruging and full of mystery and the characters are well thought and don't all blend together. I particurally like Lizzie, and can't wait the find out more about her. Keep up the good work.

600_2ae98cef154a7874793e15aa3d62b011

about 5 years ago Olive P. Zabeth said:

This is such an interesting take on a story this unique. This could have ended up being boring and over exxagerated, but instead is well wirtten and humourous. this story is incredibly intruging and full of mystery and the characters are well thought and don't all blend together. I particurally like Lizzie, and can't wait the find out more about her. Keep up the good work.

Oguxyo15

over 5 years ago A.M. Starr said:

And, "as if they expected a reincarnation of Osama bin Laden to jump out from her Pottery Barn wicker set," IS MY FAVORITE LINE EVER(:

Reviews(89)

Fugitives.fullcov

over 5 years ago Chris Bostic said:

Your review, as promised.

You have an excellent storyline going. I followed along with everything. No confusion over the beginning. I thought it was simple to follow. Now for the 'tough' part of the review:

-In the preface, I would rather you dropped the "You could say it all began," and just go with "It all began...." I don't like talking directly to the reader.

-You should use a new paragraph before "The Miami Herald...."

-Drop the unnecessary "had" from "who had shot two" to improve the flow.

-The line "It would be four years" is a little more confusing than it needs to be. Rewrite to more easily convey that she worked there 4 years.

-There are some run on sentences in the Mt. McKinley paragraph.

-I have a friend on a SWAT team. They never knock. They always break down the door. Maybe it's detectives that come visit instead.

-I agree with the others that she should be much more scared of the SWAT guys.

-There are run ons in the ThinkPad paragraph. BTW, it's personal preference, but I try not to use brand names.

-change the detectives words to "come with us, please" or just drop the please since he's in charge.

-Charlie's remarks that she is interested and not so much annoyed at the arrest seems a bit unbelievable.

- If Charlie is 12 years old, where were the parents when SWAT arrived? Also her parents would need to be at the station whenever she made a statement (unless laws are changed in your future state).

-Typo "a diagnostic scan", not "an"

-I would capitalize the D in division 27

-You might shy away from saying "black" boy. Lots of writers use dark skinned or something like that to avoid stereotypes. I suppose African-American or African descent would be okay. I'm no expert on this topic.

-Throughout Chapter 3, there are many dialogue passages where the description precedes the words. I prefer to describe the person and how he said it after the dialogue words have been written.

I stopped toward the end of Chapter 3....

You have the makings of an excellent story. Keep up the great work!

Caleb_says_heyheyhey_1

almost 6 years ago heyheyhey said:

Minor Problems Cover: THAT is a cool cover. SP: I like it. Is that a Holes reference, or just coincidence? LP: It's great. It gives away just enough that makes you want to keep reading. Preface: I love the voice of this! :) Chapter One: I don't have much to critique on this- you've done an amazing job. The writing is great, and I only found one error. "Then, at 11:06 PM, a[n] diagnostic scan..." I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help!