A Vampire's Story

A Vampire's Story

6 chapters / 16658 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read


I did some serious tweaking to this story. It's still just the prologue and three chapters, but thanks to a helpful review, I think it sounds a little better. Hope you enjoy :)


Drama, Fantasy, Romance



about 4 years ago Hannah Harper (shadowhunter) said:

love this story especially the name trace rhymes with jace :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!


over 4 years ago Sierra Anne Turner (Amira) said:

100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000Times better than Twilight :P Your writing is AMAZING! I would love it if you could read on of my writings. They are all short and take 3 mins tops to read. Most are poems. Thank you!

Tori me

over 4 years ago Torrance Courtney said:

Twilight sucks. Thumbs up to u sweetheart. Ur writing style is very refreshing and I enjoyed what u have written in this story so far. Ur very talented. If u have time to read any of my stories, I'd really appreciate it.


over 6 years ago Olivia Richards said:

Thanks Nicky! I'll try to as soon as possible :) Olivia out :)



almost 7 years ago Emma Kean said:

If u love storys about Vampires, this is the right story for u. I liked storys about Vampires...But now I love them!!!! All because of this book.{No joke} Keep up the wonderfull work Olivia!!!

Merry christmas

almost 7 years ago SomedayAuthor said:

So I want to start out by saying that vampire stories do interest me greatly if they are done right. Only if they are done right. Meaning I hate Twilight with a passion. Luckily, this does not seem to be like Twilight. I like the angle the story is going for (a vampire that hunts vampires). It looks like it has great potential, and if it were to ever get published, I would be sure to read it. The bad news is, I am a VERY critical reader, so I did see flaws.

Starting with the Prologue. It seemed a bit awkward in the way sentences were phrased and the choice of sentences you had. The Prologue itself did not seem entirely needed, but I feel it could be greatly improved with some revising and reconsidering of words to use.

Throughout the whole story there were small spelling mistakes and a few grammar mistakes including verb tense confusion and comma usage. Just like in the Prologue, there was some awkwardness throughout the storyline. A grammatical error I saw a few times was with speech. When a new character is speaking, a new paragraph should be started. There were a couple times when you didn't do this, and it threw me off. Also, (this was only in a couple places) you do not need to use the names of people as frequently as you do at times. Such as, in the beginning of chapter one, the father says Sarah's name and then says it again in the next sentence. It just isn't very natural. There were also a few times when you said the same thing twice to describe something, like when you said "Locking the door shut". It is said by the narrator and then again by a character. It makes for an awkward read. When Sarah is thinking to herself in the story, it should be in italics so the reader doesn't think it's a part of the narrative, as a side note. You also used all caps on a word at one point to add emphasis I assume. In that particular line, I don't feel it is necessary, but when it is necessary, that is usually used with italics also.

As for the story without the grammar issues, I was confused at a few points. First off, location? It never says and it makes it harder for the reader to really picture the setting. You don't need to say where it is to describe it either. You can simply have the character describe what she sees as her surroundings outside or comment on the way that her environment is. With that being said, I feel that the story lacks description in many areas. Description is a key point to a story and can help make it or break it. I also felt that Sarah and the other countrymen realized too soon what the creatures were. I felt that a little mystery would make for a more interesting scene. Another thing that confused me was whether the vampires ate flesh or not. You describe a "pile of bones in the corner". Does that mean that the vampires don't only drink blood but they also eat the flesh? The concept of the pure ones could also be further explained or possibly even be kept a mystery for later. The way it is described seems rushed and uninteresting. Another good thing to consider is to spend a few paragraphs or perhaps even a chapter going deeper into Sarah's emotions and her emotional struggle. We don't get to see much of what is running through her head and a first person perspective makes it easy for the writer to do so. It would greatly benefit the story, the character, and the reader if we saw more of her struggle, I believe. I also didn't understand why she would be falling in love with the vampire. If it is due to some sort of mind control, that is something you might want to clarify to the reader. The last thing that confused me was Trace's voice in her mind. I think you were going for more of a mysterious vibe, but it needs some revising to make it seem more that way. Once again, more description can help you with that. And then, finally, I felt that Sarah acted unrealistically calm and defiant in the face of certain death or danger. A young girl raised in that day and age would be more feeble and scared, even if she was one of the more against the current type of girls back then.

Wow. I hope none of that sounded too mean. Like I said, I'm a really critical reader, and I feel like I should help point these things out to people so that I can help them with their writing. Anyway, I actually do really like the story, the idea, and I even really enjoyed reading it though it might have sounded as if I didn't. I hope I helped out some. Keep writing and having fun! :)