Memories of Dawn

Memories of Dawn

1 chapter / 1530 words

Approximately 8 minutes to read

Description:

Tilah is a upperclass girl who falls in love with a common boy. Tragedy unfolds. I wrote this for a creative writing contest, of which I failed horribly. :(

Comments(6)

Booksie

over 5 years ago MelWrites845 said:

The story was really great! I love the setting! The last couple of lines were great! Well done:D

Clarinet.world

over 5 years ago Kritika said:

Your story is very reminiscent of the French Revolution, and the taboo of marriage between classes is very believable. I wish you had gone more into Tilah's and Dawn's relationship. You just kind of say they love one another, but it seemed like Ernesto and Tilah had a more developed relationship. Amazing story :)

8385426c35336be5d85778c480327ad4

over 5 years ago Girl In Black said:

so sad, and really good! i loved this, great job!

Andy tied up drawing

over 5 years ago Black Roses Await said:

WOW You so shouldn't have failed, this was amazing:) I loved the last paragraph, it was awesome:)

Reviews(3)

Meep

over 5 years ago Sarah N. Lawson (Sauerkraut) said:

Well, not a bad story overall, but I have some critiques, mostly on character and setting rather than specifically grammar.

First of all, your setting is very vague. What kind of country is this? Why is the class system so profound? Also, I would like to see more on the relationship between Tilah and Dawn (which, by the way, is a female name ... it kind of cuts down on the character's masculinity and romance quality). The relationship between Ernesto and Tilah was the strongest, but I would have liked more showing instead of telling, there. Why was Ernesto executed? It made no sense ... he did nothing wrong. Or if he is being executed because her father found out that he knew, then you need to say that. However, in general it doesn't make much sense that they would execute a Highborn girl ... typically when it comes to class, the "Highborn" are spared, but they are made to watch their loved one be killed. They will likely be sent away and locked up, but probably not killed. If this was a conscious decision about your world, then again, you need to say that. Say that the law does not spare the Highborn.

I have to be honest, I wasn't a big fan of your ending. The first bit of it about Dawn's sister was sweet, but then when you turn it around and say that it was all undone, it's a bit of a letdown. And keep in mind that twenty years is a relatively short period of time ... the actual act of a revolution takes approximately five years to begin with, so you're saying that the period of peace lasted only about fifteen years. I don't understand the "Dusk" reference, either. I understand it in comparison to "Dawn", but if Dusk is a character I have no idea who he is.

Overall, it's mostly just detail that you have to work on. I honestly loved your description of the boy on the gallows. You have excellent potential with this piece. It's the setting and character details that you need to work on. Good luck!

U

over 5 years ago {Rachel} said:

Descriptions are great! I love this