2 chapters / 1378 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read


Lucky Parker is still trying to get over the tragic passing of her father. But what will happen when someone from her past unexpectedly comes back into her life?


Writing, Romance, Novel



over 5 years ago Rebecca said:

Great opening chapter! I think you wrote "met" instead of "meant" at one point when describing Jazz, but apart from that this read really well.


over 5 years ago CeeCee Joanelle said:

I enjoyed reading this :) You're characters are well-developed, even though you only have two chapters, so good job on that. Also, you don't have many grammar or spelling errors, which is also good. My only comment would be to give a little more background on the narrator or her friends before rushing right to the conflict. It will lengthen the story (in a good way, if you don't do too much explaining) if you ever get this published. With that said, good job! keep up the good work :)

Allyn 11.13

over 5 years ago Allyn Goodrich said:

I love the last line so much. It's such a cruel twist, but it works so well!


over 5 years ago Emily Kate said:

I love the natural voice you write with, as well as your names:)



over 5 years ago ThisIsNoLongerMyAccount said:

Writing this as I read.

Chapter 1:

No grammatical errors in chapter one, which is great. I really liked how you didn't up and say everything about Lucky, but left little snippets in the middle of the writing. And by the way, nice touch of sarcasm you have there. I enjoyed it. Great names, descriptions, diction. Good job.

Chapter 2:

Oooh... nice conflict in Chapter 2. Honestly speaking, I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't as long as Chapter One, but I still really liked it. You gave out what she looked like, something I'd been waiting for. Seriously, this is great.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Contact me when you add new chapters! And best of luck to you!



over 5 years ago Ashley Norris said:

In the second paragraph, you wrote: "I could still remember my father reading it to me as we sat perched on my parent's large bed. The first half of this sentence is a little wordy. Consider changing it to something like this: "I remember my father reading it to me. Perched on my parent's large bed, I'd cuddle into his side, while the stubble from his chin tickled my forehead. He wrapped his arm around me and the scent, that could only be described as Dad, surrounded me, comforted me."

This adds a little more imagery to the story and will ultimately help your readers form an emotional bond with your characters.

Then, I would start the next paragraph a little differently. "But now I was eighteen, reading the same book. A summer reading assignment that pained me deeply. As I read those beautify crafted words from my favorite book, my dad, his warmth, his scent, he was all I thought about." Again, this just adds a little more imagery.

Also, phrases like, I heard, I saw, I smelled are filters that put a barrier between the characters and the audience. Eliminating those phrases or describing what was heard, saw, or smelled will help. For example, instead of "I heard the opening cords of..." You could write. "I rolled my eyes as the opening chords of 'What Makes You Beautiful' by One Direction filled my speakers." (Noticed I changed the quotations around the song title. Quotations within quotations should look like they do above.) There is another occurrence of "I heard" at the beginning of the second paragraph, consider revising.

The sentence, "I was nowhere near ready as usual." sounds a little weird. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here.

When your main character is telling what she is wearing, you could use that as an opportunity to clue in the audience as to how she feels about what she's wearing. This will work better than a list of clothing.

Your work is very good! There is a lot of potential here!