Bitten

Bitten

1 chapter / 791 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

I promise, this is NOT a vampire story! ZOMBIES ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!

Comments(20)

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almost 5 years ago likeclockwork itrhymes said:

VAMPIRES OWN ZOMBIES!!!!!! Sorry..I had to do that. I'm gonna read it now. :D

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almost 5 years ago Lucie Rainn said:

Woah! Amazing! I've never read anything like that before :D Your very clever to do zombies instead of vampires. thank GOD something different. Keep it up! :D xx -Willow

Girl2

almost 5 years ago Violet Hadley said:

This was pretty good! I enjoyed it :) There were a few misspellings and grammar errors, but other than that it was good! :) Well done! :)

~Violet ♥

Birdhouse

almost 5 years ago Alexandra K. said:

This is an incredibly cool Zombie story! Very cute, in a way, too :)

Reviews(8)

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almost 5 years ago Amy Adams said:

I have to be honest I don't like zombies but your story intrigued me, I liked the idea of the story, your ideas flow in a nice way. I think you should totally continue it like make it one of those stories that go back to the past like say 2 months ago and fill in all the blanks I would totally read it ! :) good job and keep writing

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almost 5 years ago likeclockwork itrhymes said:

HI. I’M HERE TO REVIEW YOUR STORY :D SO…I’M GONNA DO THIS IN CAPS LOCK BECAUSE IT’S COOLER THAT WAY.

I'm so sorry..but this was AWFUL!! HAHA..jk :) Just messing with ya.

TYPO ALERT “I COULDN’T MOVE, THE PAIN WAS TO [TOO] GREAT.” ALSO, I THINK THAT THIS LINE COULD BE REWORDED TO COMMUNICATE THE MAGNITUDE OF THE PAIN BETTER. IT’S A LITTLE TOO GENERIC AND REMOVED.

YOU USE “I COULD FEEL” /”I FELT”/SOME OTHER VARIATION A LOT. FOR EXAMPLE: “MY HEART STARTED TO RACE, AND I COULD FEEL MY TAINTED BLOOD RISING TO MY CHEEKS. I COULD HEAR THE STEADY BEAT OF MY HEART IN MY EARS. SLOWLY, MY EYES BEGAN TO OPEN AND SUNLIGHT INVADED MY FACE.”

“MY HEART RACED FRANTICALLY IN MY CHEST, THE BEATS SCRAMBLING OVER ONE ANOTHER IN A RACE FOR SURVIVAL. THE FROZEN TEARS ON MY CHEEKS BEGAN TO THAW AS MY TAINTED BLOOD PUMPED UPWARDS, WARMING ME OVER. I WAS A LEFTOVER LASAGNA BEING WARMED UP IN THE MICROWAVE. MY HEART POUNDED OUT A STEADY BASS IN MY EARS. THE COMFORTING PREDICTABILITY OF IT COAXED ME INTO OPENING MY EYES. …” (btw…I swear I’m not trying to write the story for you…it’s just that I’m kinda bad at explaining things. And this is my lame (and lengthy) way of explaining.)

Molly…Make her more hysterical and emotional. Her dialogue is good but you might want to describe the way she looks and the way she’s talking to communicate more emotion. (“her voice hitches up and breaks at the fracture point”)

I think that you should make Cooper a little mad, a little disappointed, etc. in Molly. He’s way too forgiving for someone who’s dying in my opinion. His emotions are too clear cut/black and white and it makes his character fall a little flat. Add a little mixed feelings and it will make his character more complex (and therefore more realistic).

Hope this was helpful :D

Yours truly, LCIR Disclaimer: You already know it :) (I hope)

P.S. I gotta be honest...I was expecting the typical zombie story filled with gore and that elusive "zombie virus" but this took me by surprise. :D Kudos for thinking out of the box.