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Approximately 21 minutes to read
over 4 years ago Brianna said:
The only thing I would suggest to aid the flow of your story is to mix your sentences up a little. You begin nearly every sentence with the word "I," which makes it feel very stop-and-go. I enjoyed reading the story itself, and I look forward to the continuation.
over 4 years ago Kiwi B-G said:
Wow, this is great! Keep writing!
over 4 years ago haleigh said:
I can't wait to see where this is going. :)
I just wanted to give you a review of the first chapter so I could point out a few things you might want to rephrase for clarity and flow.
1. "I arrived in New York at 6:30 a.m. My dad following me in a rented U-Haul." - I would make that one sentence instead of two. The second half especially seems fragmented, and it would read better as a single thought.
2. "...filled with fancy furniture that was probably never even sat on." - Better phrasing would be: "...filled with fancy furniture that had probably never been sat on." I would actually swap out "sat on" for "used," but it works either way.
3. "first month rent" - Probably should be "first month's rent"
4. When a character is referring to "my dad" you wouldn't capitalize it, but if the character is directly addressing him as "Dad," then it should be capitalized.
If you want any clarification or any comments on further chapters, let me know!