5 chapters / 3169 words

Approximately 16 minutes to read


I have finished this piece and had to rewrite the ending twice because i wasn't satisfied with it. Now, I'm satisfied i hope you'll read it.




over 5 years ago Ronda Ackley said:

I like, I like!!! Please keep writing this story, I'm intrigued


over 5 years ago Alex M. Stache said:

I like dark stories (and fallen angels), great job with this story.


over 5 years ago S.R. Deibert said:

I noticed a few errors, but overall this was good. I like the darkness. And just real quick, I like the cover!

Hatter's hat

over 5 years ago MCT said:

Looooove the cover. I see this has been said before but maybe a more descriptive prologue? Otherwise, I liked this. It was interesting. I can see a nice piece forming here. It has some real potential. Also, to be honest, the dark angel really creeped me out lol. Mady



over 5 years ago Roogle said:


The cover is beautiful. However, I don't quite understand it's significance. I can say, you do know how to create one hell of a sexy male character.

Cons: Where to begin? Reading this story, I left with more questions. Why is does she want to die? Who is this angel and what is he to the main character? The main character didn't have much development either. I don't know anything about her. I hardly even know what she looks like. To me, she's very flat. She doesn't seem real. She seems like a Bella Swan who tripped and fell into the Fallen universe. That being said, this story is in first person. When writing first person, you need a character with a strong voice to keep the story going. To keep readers from getting bored. Your character doesn't have that voice. And I can't relate with her either. So there's nothing keeping me interested in the story. Why is the angel dude sleeping? What is the significance of him sleeping in her lap? I don't get it. Just seems like something thrown in there on a whim. Also, a rule with pet names? Two words max. My. Fallen. Angel. That's three and it's a mouthful. Of course, that's my opinion. And this statement can be completely disregarded. "help me...help me...help...save me...save me" What is she doing while she's saying that? If she crying? Is she breathing hard? What does her face look like as she says that? "I found my bag on the roof I walked over to it and picked it up opening the flap to my sling over backpack." Not only is it an awkward sentence, it's a run-on. The prologue could be more descriptive or it could tell us something we don't already know. The first chapter, it's blatantly obvious she's trying to kill herself. But the prologue, maybe it could be WHY she's trying to kill herself.

Overall, this story needs a lot of work, I'm afraid, to save it from falling into a pit of horribly cliche angel stories. But it has potential. You just need to seriously plot over what your gonna do from here and fix your mistakes. And most importantly, you need to make it your own. Create your own plot and create your own 3-D characters. That is what distinguishes a story.

I hope I wasn't terribly overbearing. I have no filter, you see. So I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. Happy Writing, Raquel


over 5 years ago Georgia Bish said:

Cover: I love it. It shows the darkness and the sadness you expressed in your writing. Description: good work. Writing: you just need to go through and fix typos and re read it out aloud to find the sentences that don't make sense. Also i feel that your prologue needs to pull the read in such as changing a few things to leave people hanging...For example: "All that was going through my head was… let me die. Let me die. Let me die! I can't live like this. The darkness, it's pulling me in. I can't. I won't live. I must die! It's the only way to save me i thought… As I ran off the roof of our four stories high, high school building. Closing my eyes I plunged straight off the building head first. Time moved as if it weren't moving at all. I opened my eyes. Was I dead? All I saw next was a flash. Black feathers. Darkness and...

This way it's more appeal and pulls the reader in with a cliff hanger. Otherwise you've got a good potential piece here. Georgia :D