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Approximately 3 minutes to read
Thinking of expanding this into a novel... (psst. I moved to http://figment.com/users/304274-Marisol-Dela-Cruz)
over 1 year ago Cassie Archer said:
wow, this is really really good!!! its also kinda creepy, but i like how it didn't turn into a cliche...
yeah, i really like how original you kept it!!!1
keep up the good work!!! :)
over 1 year ago The Shadow said:
Very well written, the only thing is that you wrote "the taxi driver drived" instead of drove. That's the only thing. Great job =D
over 1 year ago Riley Wagner said:
Gave me goosebumps, I love it!! :)
and I agree with some of the other commenters, the only flaw in your writing was the "won't" at the beginning. Other then that, well done!!
over 1 year ago Stormy Nichols said:
This was really interesting I would love to read more of it!
over 1 year ago Brianna Maguire said:
Okey-dokey, here's the very few tiny errors:
-“and it was told that it was supposed to be raining” this sounds kind of awkward. Maybe try “It was said that it was going to be raining.”
-“She was wearing short shorts” while these are two different things, this still sounds odd. Try something like “Her shorts reached to upper thigh”
OMG! This is awesome! It almost reminds me of that eighties movie, where the guy falls in love with the mannequin, you know? Only much more creepy. This is fantastic! Unfortunately, only the first chapter is unlocked, so I guess I'll have to settle for this. POST MORE.(:
over 1 year ago enchantedwanderer said:
In the last line of the first paragraph, 'won't' should become 'wouldn't' because of the past tense you're using in the writing.
"The taxi driver drived slowly..."
Instead of saying that the girl seemed extraordinarily strange, show it, don't tell it.
Why would Ava think to know that the girl doesn't appear to normal people? And wouldn't the taxi driver think it odd that she asked that?
The ending made the story much stronger, and because of that, I'll heart this. Good luck in the contest!