1 chapter / 2269 words

Approximately 11 minutes to read


Mark Sullivan is hiding something. Complete. Not my best work, but I'm leaving it as is. Critiques appreciated.



almost 6 years ago Jordan Cohoon said:

I love your voice, and your characters develop beautifully. My favorite part was wondering what the problem was. I kept thinking, what is this perfect guy hiding?

Telling it from his best friend's point of view was genius, as well.

Keep writing!


almost 6 years ago Anonimouse said:

Way to start off a story! I love a good cliche, but an overused one would be entirely too boring. But not this story. I agree with the previous comments, the narrator is indeed believable unlike most stories that seem to make their characters have similar traits in a way. Looking forward to more :)



almost 6 years ago thefrankie said:

The beginning was a bit cliche, but I like that it's told in Mark's best friend's POV and not Mr. Perfect himself. The writing was really good. Please continue!


almost 6 years ago Ellen O'Brien said:

Great voice and character development. The situation was realistic, but I didn't get to understand the relationship between Felix and Mark very well. Felix calls himself Mark's 'best friend', but it's not clear why since they don't seem to interact a whole lot. Are they just friends who have grown apart? It feels like that's happened suddenly.

Also, the ending seemed too abrupt. The reader only knows that he's taking pills and that he's lying, instead of gradually understanding what's happening. It's a sudden cut off. Maybe include more clues leading up to the conclusion? :)


Figment and nano prof pic

almost 6 years ago Laura Muse said:

For the review swap (sorry for the delay, I tried to write a review in the morning, but I didn't have enough time). The narrator's voice is realistic; he has realistic worries and thoughts and exhasperations. He also has that innocent "my friend can do no wrong attitude" which is so normal. Your characterization of Felix was so well done. And your pacing was fantastic; it was obvious that it took "Flick" a while to comprehend what was going on, as well it should have. Nicely done. The only problem I had was that you didn't really describe much (except for the one scene in Mark's bedroom). There could be so much more there that could really enhance the story. However, it was still very well done.