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Approximately 6 minutes to read
***Cover by Yuching Cou and Gracie K.*** When you think of a pink diver, what do you see? Do you see a scuba diver with pink equipment or a snorkler with sun burnt skin?
over 4 years ago Anica Ivanitz said:
When I read this, I had the song "Home" stuck in my head. (It's either Three Days Grace or Breaking Benjamin. But I'm too lazy to find out right now, so....yeah.)
over 4 years ago ~~Sophie Maxwell~~ said:
This is great! The beginning really drew me in. Its also kind of relatable
over 4 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:
This is fantastic! The prologue was able to draw me into the story, and then your wonderful voice and style kept me interested throughout. The dialogue was natural and very enjoyable to read, as were the descriptions you offered. Very nice job! Keep up the wonderful writing ;)
over 4 years ago Angelina Granger said:
WOW! This story was amazing! A great story! I can totally relate to the character! Absolutely AMAZING!
almost 5 years ago Carmen Learner said:
Love it Ryann! Keep writing please please please
almost 5 years ago Bianca Corgrott said:
At first I thought that this would be just another mermaid story, but you pleasantly surprised me and proved me wrong! Very good story! I could imagine this as a children's book in the library, right next to the other moral-learning stories.
You've probably noticed by now, but I'm very big on beginnings. However, I found myself really enjoying the prologue! I think that it is very well done and balanced, so congrats on that!
Second chapter - Very great content, but there are was too many sentences starting with "I...". I'd mix it up a bit. In some stories having so many "I"s work, but that's either because they're paralleling or they have enough spacing to compensate it. It's a bit like poetry. This story, however, is a different kind of style of writing. Change it up a bit. Example being, ""Atlantis, Atlantis," The dark water called to me, its figure illuminated by the pink light of early morning sunrise." That would just clench the whole paragraph for me.
Third chapter I REALLY enjoyed. This is probably my favorite chapter as of the moment. I love how you change the "wish" to a "curse" just a paragraph later. Very, very good. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, did you mean to say, "This" instead of "THis"? Also, it was a bit unexpected when you introduced "Ryann" without a proper introduction. You could at least say, "my friend" or something. It confused me, that's all.
Fourth chapter was my second favorite chapter. This brought everything back together and you did a great job! I don't really have much to say, you covered it all in that!
Last chapter was very good as well. As much as I've heard those particular words as an ending, I think that it fit perfectly.
Wow, great job, Ryann! I'll be keeping an eye on you for future contests!