The Book Keeper: The Journey Begins ...

The Book Keeper: The Journey Begins ...

6 chapters / 5945 words

Approximately 30 minutes to read

Description:

In Writing Progress

Note, this novel is about Ancient Egypt with a MODERN TWIST.
And the historical events slavery, is my own version of slavery.

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Comments(48)

2

about 2 years ago Paige Arnold said:

So, I read up to chapter 2 sorry. But later I will keep reading until I get caught up.

As I finally read the description, I love the idea of Ancient Egypt with a modern twist. I don't think I read anything like it before.

Your story flows neatly, and you have a talent for descriptions and I can see things very clearly. As I read on it seems you took time into creating this story. Keep up the great work, and don't give up I can't wait to see if this gets published.

Hb

over 2 years ago Holly Brooke said:

I read up to chapter 2, love the way you wrote this. It is extremely descriptive and beautifully laid out. Do continue writing! Someday, we could see it at Barnes and Nobles & Chapters! That being said, well done!

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over 2 years ago Brooke Myers said:

I've only read the first two chapters, but absolutely love it, and I plan on reading more of it. And I absolutely love the way it's written, so beautiful. The details were so..hmm I can't remember the word, but I felt like I could see the girl with my own two eyes, or feel as though I am her...oh, right! Great imagery!!

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over 2 years ago Samantha Pies said:

You did a good job, on the contrary there were a few stops that seemed out of place. It was beautifully written without any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Reviews(39)

Images (2)

over 2 years ago Aspen Mae said:

Phew, finally got around to writing a review for our swap. I read it a while ago but I didn't write anything, sorry! Well, here goes: The description and imagery was amazing, and the ending of chapter one totally had me hooked. So here's some random notes I wrote down while I read:

-Paragraph three: 'a fistful amount of sand in my mouth' sounds awkward. You could change it to 'a mouthful of sand' or something simpler like that.

-At one point you describe Callidora's face as being 'tomato red' which would be fine, except I did some research and found that there were, in fact, no tomatoes in ancient egypt. Therefor the narrator would have no idea what a tomato was. I feel like the pickiest editor ever now. lol.

-paragraph ten, sentence three: it wasn't clear at first that you were referring to her eyes -scared should be scarred

-Oh my Ra! LOL

-(there is tons of rum to go around) would be better if you said (there is plenty of rum to go around) or something. 'Tons' just seemed a bit out of place.

-'But one day I am determined to find her' I think should be 'But I am determined to find her one day.'

-'The only days we get off is Sundays' should be 'The only days we get of ARE Sundays'

Well, I've only given you edits for chapter one, because frankly it would take forever to critique the whole thing! But overall I loved it. Keep writing! ~Aspen Mae

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over 2 years ago Katherine Brown said:

Hi Snicker Doodlez, Finally getting around to your swap. Sorry for the delay. I'm a teacher and sometimes I get bogged down with teachy kind of stuff and it takes me a few days to get my swap requests done. Nuff said. Here goes... Okay, right from the start I find myself empathizing with the MC. Cast systems always make me crazy because I could never understand how some individuals could be deemed more valuable that others. So right away I find myself rooting for her and her sister. In the first few paragraphs I think you've done a good job in giving the reader a sense of the desert, with the sun blazing down, no water, the sand etc..., but I think in this case maybe less description would serve you better. For ex...I might right(A thousand drops of sweat pour down my face, dropping onto the cement-like desert where they are quickly gobbled up by the parched earth) Less is more. Do you see what I mean? Paragraph two, I might not start out with "But all of the sudden. Perhaps (Suddenly, I find myself plunging towards the earth, my eyes focused on the rock-hard desert coming up to meet me, but it all happens in slow motion and I try to imagine landing in a pool of crystal clear water, but instead, I tumble face first onto the fractured desert floor causing sharp pain to radiate through my body, knocking the breath from my lungs, as tears spring from my eyes. A mouthful of sand my reward.) Please remember these are just suggestions... In the paragraph where the guard is whipping her the phrase 'I try to show him I can take anything on without a fuss' How about, as the whip makes contact, I steel myself showing him I'm prepared to handle whatever he dishes up.' It needs more active words. The idea is right, but the descriptions needs more active words and description. Also, I feel like the whip would make more of a cracking or snapping sound. Something harsher than whoosh. (Gorilla hands) awesome visual! Same paragraph, too many uses of hands in that paragraph. How about (he grasps both of my wrists with just one of his gorilla hands and exposing my palms he slashes them with his whip) I understand your use of emasculate, but I think simple language is always the best. (my body, rendered powerless from the beating, betrayed me, collapsing to the ground.) I love this next piece where her sister, fully aware that she is most likely putting herself in harms way becomes a human shield for her sister. Already I like the fortitude from which these girls are built. They make for great heroins. Instead of telling us that the guard becomes irate...show us. Also, I don't think he would offer this peasant an explanation for his actions. I think he would just retaliate. Good descriptor about her sisters reptile-like scarred hands. Again I think this paragraph is working too hard. (She shakes me gently and my long eyelashes start to flutter as I try to surface from my semi-unconscious state, but even as I try to open my eyes I feel the pull of unconsciousness dragging my back under. This time she shakes me more forcefully and with great effort I resist the pull of sleep, open my eyes and painfully try to sit up.) I like that you included some distinctive character descriptions and even though the girls are somewhat harsh with each other, I find as the reader that I understand because of the harsh way in which they have grown up. I still feel they have a strong bond. Okay, that's all I have time for right now, but if you would like me to read and review the rest of this chapter (starting after the chapter break) let me know. I hope you don't mind that I included suggestions for changes, but showing what I mean is easier then telling you what I mean. Best Kat