Yszarin

Yszarin

2 chapters / 4532 words

Approximately 23 minutes to read

Description:

Oli Michaels, university graduate, is trying to sort his life out. It has other ideas, namely Yszarin. An ancient murderess from a time beyond our own, made of dark and blood, who has come to hunt her way through the streets of London.
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Complete, in editing queue. First in a... very long series.

Genres:

Adventure, Horror, Novel

Comments(23)

Pocket watch

almost 4 years ago Sophie Anne said:

So I'm here for the swap. To make things easier I'm just going to make a list.

1. Wow. Your prologue was amazing. Sometimes they can detract from the story, but yours added to it.

2. I can tell from what I've read that you're a talented writer. That being said the first sentence for Chapter One seemed a little...cliche for lack of a better word.

3. Both Oli and Ricky seemed realistic and believable.

4. The introduction and behavior of Yszarin creeped me out. Good job with it.

Overall, this is a great start (especially for part of it being from NaNo). You managed to keep my interest for the entirety of the story. While it has been a while since you added some (just looking at the dates from the other comments), but I hope you add more.

Beautiful-cat

almost 5 years ago Bio Nerd said:

I must say, your descriptions of the murderer made me so happy! The accuracy with which you captured the spirit of a cat is amazing, and awesome, and fabulous! (I am cat crazy, seriously. That's why your other piece made me so happy, too.)

The main character was so real, I could picture him. (It helps that I have a friend somewhat like him.) But still, you did that really well. I loved the dog, and everything else! Good job, and keep writing! I shall stalk you from now on.

Dress

almost 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

first off, great piece. second, unlike everyone else here, i loved the beginning. i think that pieces that don't put everything up front, engage the reader and is a credit to an author who knows how to write well. there's nothing i can't stand more than a story that starts with all the details up front. but enough on that ...

i loved the MC and again, loved your prose. i have a hard time on this site sometimes finding pieces that aren't all 'woe is me, love is pain, etc.'. so thanks for writing something different. i hope you revisit this piece and give it some more love because it deserves it. there's a lot of promise.

great job and keep writing!

Swing shadow

about 5 years ago Sami said:

Whoa, this was highly engaging in my opinion. The tone was suspenseful and mellow. Your writing style fit perfectly with it, and I like the voice of the character. I think this could be a great novel to continue. You have set the characters, plot and scene. I believe there should've been more security or caution, considering she had escaped so easily. Maybe that was intended (?) Overall though, awesome chapter!

Reviews(3)

Me (3)

almost 3 years ago Cassidy C. said:

I only read the first chapter, but the content was amazing straight away. I don't want to point out too many specific errors I saw, because mainly they were all comma issues. I would encourage you to look up with the rule for comma's are. I know it can be tempting to place comma's simply where you feel there should be a pause, but that it is not always the case. Other than that, the content is pleasing and I would love to see more added.

Ry

about 5 years ago Ryanne Kap said:

Like a couple others, I was slightly confused in the beginning. Who is this person? What's his deal? We learn a bit about him, which is good, but I would've liked to know a bit more. I found that several of your sentences had the same rhythm, which could seem a bit repetitive. I liked your descriptions of this mysterious girl. I was totally on edge when she kept him hostage...I wasn't sure if the door was going to open at all. You manage to keep perfect suspense and I loved this piece!