2 chapters / 4532 words

Approximately 23 minutes to read


Oli Michaels, university graduate, is trying to sort his life out. It has other ideas, namely Yszarin. An ancient murderess from a time beyond our own, made of dark and blood, who has come to hunt her way through the streets of London.
Complete, in editing queue. First in a... very long series.


Adventure, Horror, Novel


Pocket watch

about 4 years ago Sophie Anne said:

So I'm here for the swap. To make things easier I'm just going to make a list.

1. Wow. Your prologue was amazing. Sometimes they can detract from the story, but yours added to it.

2. I can tell from what I've read that you're a talented writer. That being said the first sentence for Chapter One seemed a little...cliche for lack of a better word.

3. Both Oli and Ricky seemed realistic and believable.

4. The introduction and behavior of Yszarin creeped me out. Good job with it.

Overall, this is a great start (especially for part of it being from NaNo). You managed to keep my interest for the entirety of the story. While it has been a while since you added some (just looking at the dates from the other comments), but I hope you add more.


about 5 years ago Bio Nerd said:

I must say, your descriptions of the murderer made me so happy! The accuracy with which you captured the spirit of a cat is amazing, and awesome, and fabulous! (I am cat crazy, seriously. That's why your other piece made me so happy, too.)

The main character was so real, I could picture him. (It helps that I have a friend somewhat like him.) But still, you did that really well. I loved the dog, and everything else! Good job, and keep writing! I shall stalk you from now on.


about 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

first off, great piece. second, unlike everyone else here, i loved the beginning. i think that pieces that don't put everything up front, engage the reader and is a credit to an author who knows how to write well. there's nothing i can't stand more than a story that starts with all the details up front. but enough on that ...

i loved the MC and again, loved your prose. i have a hard time on this site sometimes finding pieces that aren't all 'woe is me, love is pain, etc.'. so thanks for writing something different. i hope you revisit this piece and give it some more love because it deserves it. there's a lot of promise.

great job and keep writing!

Swing shadow

over 5 years ago Sami said:

Whoa, this was highly engaging in my opinion. The tone was suspenseful and mellow. Your writing style fit perfectly with it, and I like the voice of the character. I think this could be a great novel to continue. You have set the characters, plot and scene. I believe there should've been more security or caution, considering she had escaped so easily. Maybe that was intended (?) Overall though, awesome chapter!


Me (3)

about 3 years ago Cassidy C. said:

I only read the first chapter, but the content was amazing straight away. I don't want to point out too many specific errors I saw, because mainly they were all comma issues. I would encourage you to look up with the rule for comma's are. I know it can be tempting to place comma's simply where you feel there should be a pause, but that it is not always the case. Other than that, the content is pleasing and I would love to see more added.


over 5 years ago Ryanne Kap said:

Like a couple others, I was slightly confused in the beginning. Who is this person? What's his deal? We learn a bit about him, which is good, but I would've liked to know a bit more. I found that several of your sentences had the same rhythm, which could seem a bit repetitive. I liked your descriptions of this mysterious girl. I was totally on edge when she kept him hostage...I wasn't sure if the door was going to open at all. You manage to keep perfect suspense and I loved this piece!