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Approximately 7 minutes to read
*Cover produced by the marvellous (and talented, or so she tells me) Tara Poppleford*
The last thought process of a man condemned by his own mind.
about 2 years ago Ashley McGee said:
An awesome story. Do not we all sometimes feel that the world--even nature itself--conspires against us in an all out attempt to see which one of us falls under the wheels first?
My only comment is this. In the line "Too many maybe's, what-if's and perhap's."
Apostrophes are for noun possessives, not adjectives. Adjectives can be made into nouns, but these are still not possessive of anything. The plural "s" is what you're looking for. So the line would read "maybes, what-ifs, and perhapses." Yes, "perhaps" ends up spelled wrong, but the rule has already been broken.
Good story though. Great read.
over 2 years ago Ninja Nourie said:
over 2 years ago Lieder Madchen said:
Wow, that was so good and so sad. You did a wonderful job with the emotions and it felt very realistic, which just made it more powerful.
over 2 years ago Jack Fossett said:
I applaud you on pulling this piece off without a single word of dialogue. That takes skill.
Your whole story was fantastic, really. The way your main character embraced the oncoming bus and how he was quickly forgotten by the world only added to the power.
Great job, and keep writing!
over 2 years ago h.f. said:
This was absolutely superb. It was haunting and spooky but skillfully written at the same time, and I thoroughly loved reading it.
Your word choice in this was impeccable, and the descriptions were great. They painted a picture in my head; I felt like I was standing there, watching this man end his life. And how you described him dying... Spectacular, every little bit of it.
Some small spelling errors I happened to notice:
1. “The man’s matte black hair, the artificial result of a hairdresser’s $80 invoice…”
Did you mean “matted black hair”?
2. (Note, this is in the same sentence as the first error):
“…yielding his face in the torrential dowpour that the man had not the foresight to predict.”
You spelled “downpour” wrong.
So, yeah. That’s pretty much it for spelling errors. Note, they were both in the second paragraph.
Overall, this was absolutely fantastic. A phenomenal piece of writing--you're definitely very talented. Excellent job with this. :)
over 2 years ago Shia F said:
Description. Your descriptions are well-detailed, providing a vivid mental picture in your readers minds. You used great imagery here. Though, personally, I was a bit overwhelmed with the details. Maybe it's just because I have a short attention span.
Plot. The plot here is fairly simple. But it's amazing twist in the end brought it all together.
Characters. I like how you really incorporated the man's disturbed and depressed emotions.
Your word choice is also excellent. This is my favorite part of your story.