4 chapters / 1272 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


©2012 List Contest Finalist! Popularity or loserville. Smash or pass. Cool or drool. Can't we all be friends... Some people have to learn it the hard way


Writing, Drama
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over 4 years ago Monique said:

Touching story. This is the only story that made cry, good job. Need more stories like this.

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over 5 years ago Rachel Elkin said:

THIS WAS THE MOST TOUCHING STORY. Okay I'm sorry for yelling, but it was so cute and sad and omg. It's really great. I mean, you managed to convey so much emotion and complete an entire story in so little words and such a short amount of time. Truly amazing. -Rachel


over 5 years ago Gaby S. said:

This was really sad, but also an excellent way conveying emotion to the reader. Great job!


over 5 years ago Kaylee said:

This is really good! It's sad, but written well. Congrats on getting feedback from the author! :3



over 5 years ago Chloe Michele said:

The opening lines are quite moving. It sets up your story for some real action and complexities. There's a few things I'd like to point out that I saw.

"Tears [,] turned into sobs as I saw my white teeshirt [cling] to my chest." You can do without the comma. It broke up the sentence. And I understand your use of past tense when you used 'clung', but for me it sounded awkward and it is possible to exchange it for 'cling'.

"...somehow [,] along the way [,] [a] bond formed..." Just a tiny bit awkward. The commas slow it down and it need the a.

" eyes like a raccoon[']s..." Simple apostrophe. :)

But I really did enjoy the twist. I liked how you gave it resolution. It was achingly truthful and sweet. I commend you for putting in the true emotional detail that is all too real for everyone who has ever experienced anything like this. Really great work!


over 5 years ago Kori Keno said:

First off, let me congratulate you for ending up as a finalist for a contest that I have no idea when it was. Congrats!

Okay, now, before I start my rant, let me remind you that I’m not here to bash or flame your story, but to help and hopefully make it better. If anything I say is offensive to you, and I apologize in advance. If the apology doesn’t suit it, come and feel free to yell at me on my profile, or over e-mail.

Now, to actually start reading.

Considering you got into the finalists, I have a feeling there’s not going to be much I’m going to correct, but I guess I’ll see.

Nice opening. It really makes you wonder why, h. And the fact that you’re thrown right into it also is a great start.

I’m going to assume that THIS is why Jessica owed Laurie something.

Nice simile.

‘I didn’t’ realize the water balloon {that} was flying at me until it popped…’

I think that the flow may roll better with a ‘that’ there, rather than not. But it may just be me.

‘Then I slipped and fell in slow motion.’

The way that’s phrased sounded so abrupt. I don’t know how you could rephrase or reword that though…

‘…everyone chuckling at me…’

‘Chuckling,’ in my opinion, doesn’t seem to fit the act here. What about ‘laughing’? Since ‘laughing’ is usually the first thing that comes to mind, I wonder if you chose ‘chuckling’ for a reason….

Aw, poor Laurie!

‘…slowly sitting up{,} and I saw everyone…’

Optional, but I read it with a pause…

‘Tears, turned into sobs…’

But there I didn’t read with a pause, so I don’t really get the use of that comma. The flow is broken with a pause there.

‘As I passed{,} I saw Jessica Chambers.’

Maybe instead of ‘passed,’ which sounds kind of out of place there, you could use ‘ran.’

This is so realistic. Just so true.

‘She became tall, thin, and fully developed upstairs{;} I became ugly to everyone.’

I feel like a semicolon would do better there, rather than have two separate sentences.

‘…and the oh{-}so{-}horrible metal…’

‘She was in the spotlight and I always felt better behind the scenes…’

The ellipse there doesn’t settle right with me. Actually, that sentence seemed kind of off. I think that if you maybe rephrased it, it would sound more natural. But to me, it sounds kind of stiff.

‘…the nurses’ office.’

So there are multiple nurses? If there isn’t, having the apostrophe before the ‘s’ is correct…

‘I reached the nurses’ office. I flopped down on the bed, crying uncontrollably.’

I think that would sound better if you had made it into only one sentence. You could connect it with an ‘and,’ maybe.

‘She knew how hard it was for me and{,} somehow{,} along the way{,} {a} bond former between us.’

It just sounded kind of odd without that stuff.

‘…flying through the air{,} creating a kaleidoscope…’

I like your imagery and characters; they’re well done.

‘…clicked the button{,} capturing the moment of the sun…’

‘…Jessica’s boyfriend{,} screamed.’

‘”Just peachy{,}” I murmured.’

Wow, you really know how to add tension and suspense. Phew. This is serious.

I like how you switch over to Jessica again. It’s interesting, the fact that you see these different scenes from two different people.

‘…like a raccoon{‘}s.’

‘Her eyes fluttered {open} and I sat up.’

Just sorta sounded better with the, ‘open.’

Your plot is really interesting, and your characters well-developed.

Shivers just ran down my spine. I am picturing this scene amazingly, and the tension is just bursting.

‘Laurie flew up and then{,} clutching her head{,} she moaned in pain{.} I went {over} to her.’

Just a suggestion, since the sentence sounded too long and a bit wordy.

‘Laurie took a few deep breaths{,} then her green…’

When it’s two separate sentences, the pause between them sounds awkward. I would suggest rereading your sentences aloud to yourself, pausing where there are pauses indicated by punctuation. If that doesn’t sound right, change it until it sounds natural.

‘”I’ve {been} taking photography classes…”’

Aaaah, I’m going to burst into tears.

Last line, shivers and tears. What a well-written story. I only advise you to be careful with your sentences, as some of them were flat-out missing words, and some didn’t flow right.

Well done and congratulations again for being a finalist; you really deserved it.