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Approximately 6 minutes to read
For the List Contest!Anna Wallner made the beautiful cover!
over 3 years ago Kristi My said:
I really liked this. I agree with everyone that the ending seems rushed, and I think you went wrong with the dialogue. It seems a bit fake, on both sides, not just Kent, but Noel's as well.
almost 4 years ago Audrey July said:
I definitely felt for your narrator, but I didn't buy the ending. It felt rushed and sudden. The guy's compliments didn't seem like something a real person would say. I wondered why he was finding her so beautiful when everybody else had declared her to be so ugly.
almost 4 years ago Melanie Gross said:
This was great. The emotions were intense, the characters were strong, and the plot was great. Keep up the great work, I really loved this!
almost 4 years ago Emily Drew said:
I really like this. It started out great. THe ending felt very sudden though. Other than than, I loved it. Nice work! :)
almost 4 years ago Kalith said:
I pretty mmuch liked it but I thought that It's a bit too rushed in the ending!
almost 4 years ago Jackie Yang said:
Thanks for reading Ever After!
I think you developed the beginning much better than the end. In the beginning, you focused on Noel's insecurities and loneliness, which really drew sympathy and regret from me, the reader. However, later on, I find it very rushed and sudden when Kent, this gorgeous guy, suddenly comes up and talks to her without any real premise, and describes her to be gorgeous. How does can we know that he isn't just another skeaze like the guy from sixth grade? As Noel awkwardly asks, why is he even talking to her?
Also, part of this story is way to good to be true. Noel's been called ugly and severely bullied ALL her life, but to me, this comes as a complete surprise. According to Kent's description of her, blonde hair, blue eyes, pretty face, and her drop dead gorgeousness, there's no way that she could've suffered that extent of bullying from alll those people. If you want your MC to have a problem, commit to it. Be real. Perhaps she could be really pretty, but has a noticeable disfiguration? I actually expected Kent to recognize her inner beauty and say she was pretty in her own way, but the way you described her made her seem just pretty, period.
Overall, I liked the theme against bullying and suppression, but I think the characters' actions could be loads more realistic. Work on your dialogue as well.