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Approximately 4 minutes to read
For the Grave Mercy contest!:
Don't believe everything.
over 3 years ago Allykat said:
This was absolutely fabulous. Such a nice twist. Good work!
over 3 years ago Tiffany Williams said:
The story is very good. I love the concept. Could be longer, but I understand its for a contest. Good luck in the contest by the way. Love the descriptions which provide vision even though they are breif.
over 3 years ago Tay P. said:
Woah, that was AMAZING. I really loved how at the end it says that they are all fools, because it shows how much she really believed in her and how much she loved her to still believe that she was the kind girl she was that tried to befriend her, all in all it was sad but very good.
over 3 years ago rain-kissed_midnight said:
This was really beautiful! I love the name and the idea behind it and I am personally a flute player and very much enjoyed this plot. Wonderful job. Good luck in the contest!
almost 2 years ago Star said:
Hey there, R. Elliot! This title caught my eye, though a cover would do this story some good as well. c:
--I'll start at the beginning and review as I go.--
First thing I notice - Large paragraphs. This can be challenging to new or not-so-advanced readers. Try breaking up a bit more.
[[She had long, brown[,] hair that was always dirty.]]
[[She had blue grey eyes that sparkled when she laughed- and she had a nice laugh.]]
Awkwardly phrased... Try instead "She had blue-grey eyes that sparkled when she laughed." Mentioning that she has a nice laugh should be in a separate sentence.
[[Her name, she told me, was [Meloria].]]
Misspelling of 'Meloria.'
[[“It means, Fidelia, ‘always improving’.”]]
Awkward structure. Try "My name means 'always improving', Fidelia." This is less awkward.
[[I would let her call me Fidelia, which no one else was allowed to do, and I would sit still when she spoke, and I would always do what she asked me to with her soft, kind voice.]]
This is a run on sentence. Try breaking it up.
[[The only thing she required was secrecy; I couldn’t tell anyone about her, and I was happy to oblige.]]
Good use of a semicolon! ^_^
[[Sometimes she would disappear for months, and I would be so upset, I’d wake up crying for her, and I would think how little these people know, how uneducated they are compared to me and Meloria, the two superior intellects in a world of fools.]]
Lovely imagery, but this is a run on. Try breaking it up.
[[And then she would come back and she would say sorry and play her flute.]]
Don't begin a sentence with a conjunction. This damages the flow of your words.
[[It was a simple, wooden thing, but she could coax beautiful music out of it, that made me want to laugh and cry and dance and curl up in a ball all at once.]]
Awkwardly phrased here [out of it, that made], and also a run on. Try breaking it up and removing some commas.
[[It was all a lie.]] Very nice suspense here!
[[She was tall and educated and had a pretty name, face, and personality, until one day. I was twelve and she was twenty four.]]
Combine these sentences, or change the first one. [face, and personality, until one day, when I was twelve and she was twenty four.]
[[I turned and looked, but did not see, because she pushed me. Down a hill, tumbling and falling, until I heard a crack that was my leg.]] :D Eeek! NICE suspense, but combine these sentences.
[[Soon I learned that everything had gone wrong as soon as I broke my leg.]]
Unneeded "soon" in the beginning of this sentence.
[[She was Piper Mentiri, whose last name [meant] ‘to tell a lie’.]]
Make sure all tenses are past. Also, nice job here! But I do have a comment about the character's name. It's not really realistic to have the names mean exactly what the characters are like, but it adds to the story's fantasticalness here. c:
[[She was twenty and very accomplished with anything. ]]
"very accomplished with anything"? This is kind of strange. Try, simply, "very accomplished." or "could do anything she set her mind to."
[[She came to the town offering assistance, because our rodent population was up, due to a food poisoning case in cat food that killed all the cats.]]
This seems a little hard to believe. Realism added in some places would make this story much more believable, but then again, I kind of like the fairytale feel of this writing.
[[So, one by one, she killed every single rat or mouse in our whole city.]]
Try instead, "the entire city".
[[By now the town was disgusted with her, because some of her methods were less than humane, and she had killed several pets in the process, so they said no and told her under no uncertain circumstances to get out. ]]
Run on sentence. Try separating it.
[[But two years later she came back, lying about her age and getting the payment through the tears shed over missing children who never came home.]]
Try removing the "but", at the beginning, or combining this with the previous sentence, "She left."
[[Even now, I’m fourteen and she disappeared long ago.]]
Try instead, "Even now, I’m fourteen, and she's long since disappeared, but I still think of her as the kind, caring woman she was to me."
[[And maybe to them she’s Piper Mentiri, a wanted serial killer, but to me, she’ll always be Meloria.]]
(Don't start a sentence with a conjunction!)
[[So here I am, waiting for the sound of her flute.]]
(Don't start a sentence with a conjunction.)
[[They're all fools.]]
:D I love this variation of The Pied Piper. Its creepiness is off the charts!!! You have my applause. Great job. ^_^
Wow. Seriously. This was amazing.
I have a feeling that the shivers from this story will stay with me for some time.
about 3 years ago Destiny Renee said:
It's a very good story. It tells how a person, no matter the age, can be fooled by someone who has a kind voice & a kind face. The boy is the embodiment of how all people think. That if someone is kind to them, then they're a kind person. The story was eerie & I really liked it, I hope that there are more stories to come.