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Approximately half a minute to read
comments and advice are welcome :).
over 4 years ago Kennedy V. Lang said:
Wow. Really deep and truthful. It's simple and easy to read. I liked the rhyming used, it helped picture the scene perfectly. Great job.
almost 6 years ago x said:
Wow wow wow.
This was awesome. Your rhyming is spectacular and you had great flow. It all fits together perfectly, and the last two lines were a fantastic way to end it. Great job. :)
about 5 years ago E.C. Norris said:
wow this was really good. I enjoyed the flow and the theme
about 5 years ago Sky Storm said:
I love this perspective :D I loved the flow and the theme also c: Great work
about 5 years ago penny dreadful said:
I like how strict and regular the rhyme is - you don't see that often around here and it's hard to pull off without sounding contrived, but it works here. Still there are some places where I think it could be a little smoother - for instance, "beat down hard across my face" - how about "on my face", just so it flows better? Also, maybe instead of "suddenly appeared" you could try "suddenly seemed" - it sounds a little smoother in my opinion and it'd be nice alliteration.
I think the longer sentence of "I may not have" works really well - it works well to break up the rhythm once. Then I think the "not once did I feign" sounds a little awkward as well - how about "I never once feigned"?
The last sentence has a typo - belive instead of believe. All in all it's a good poem, great imagery and lovely rhythm. A tweak here and there and it'd be really great.
about 5 years ago Nina Roscoe said:
Your Irish like meeeee! :D
I really liked this! Nice imagery and story, and the rhyming flowed pretty well. You have a good few typos though..it would help to proof read it.