Linchpin

Linchpin

5 chapters / 22025 words

Approximately about 2 hours to read

Description:

**This is a complete first draft. If you'd like me to add more, let me know! Reviews welcome!** Adalira Whittington has lived a life defined by the elite-- her Uncle is President, and has raised Adalira and her older brother, Eitan, since the tragic assassination of her father, who was President 3 terms prior.
But the United States is changing-- in the highly advanced Technological Age of 2253, Adalira learns of a terrorist group within the country threatening their very security. But when she finds out her own flesh and blood is a mole within the government; she has to choose between a life of luxury and a life of truth. In this adventurous tale of good versus evil, Adalira soon learns that the world isn't so black and white.

Genres:

Dystopian, Fantasy, Novel

Comments(10)

Kat krazy 1

almost 5 years ago Ty Dilancy said:

Oh, and if you ever need a cover made... I'm decent at cover making. For a sample check out my novel Excalareem.

Kat krazy 1

almost 5 years ago Ty Dilancy said:

Is this the full thing? Because it sounds REALLY good and I want to read all of it...

Cigarettedaydreams

about 5 years ago Meredith Kennedy said:

I like this... im upset because ur better than i am! :) great job

Me

about 5 years ago Arianna Whitehead said:

i love this i cant wait for more :o

Reviews(3)

Dear_deary_by_ninamokaka3

about 5 years ago Ashleigh de Adams said:

Sorry for taking so long to review but, I LOVE THIS! Your descriptions are fantastic and I feel so connected to the character. It's such a good dystopian piece and how you have placed the characters in a government position is great. You have placed the setting in a fair off distance but it doesn't feel too disconnected from your readers. This is great :) Keep up the good writing!

Backgroundt

about 5 years ago Mary Watts said:

Chapter One: Good description so far. You started a couple of your opening paragraphs with the same word “My”, watch out for that. There’s a sentence that started out “No need, Soldier…” This sentence struck me because of what you put after it. Adalira speaks this sentence, yet you put the soldier’s action right after it. Make sure you separate that.

Chapter Two: You posted Chapter One again? :(

Chapter Three: So I love the action into this. Even though I’m a little confused because I’m not sure what really happened previous to this, this part of the novel’s got a good pace. Watch out for long paragraphs. Also, something I’m noticing in your work: Sometimes you post an action of an opposite person right after the opposite speaker talks. For example:

[Girl talking, boy reacting].

“I like ponies.” He made a face. -Correction- “I like ponies,” she said. He made a face. OR “I like ponies.” He made face.

Make sure you separate the characters’ reactions if they’re not actually speaking the dialogue!

Chapter Four: One thing I love love love about your writing is that I love the tension between Hagan and Adalira, even though I can sense some connection there. I don’t know if it’s a love connection (crosses fingers), but the dialogue you’ve set up between them is great. It pushes the story forward, and you’re not overly descriptive, which is a good thing! I don’t feel rushed when action takes place, and I don’t feel like the dialogue is forced. Good job!