5 chapters / 7657 words

Approximately 38 minutes to read


**comment** Just having fun with this I don't know if it will ever be finished.



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about 5 years ago Sienna said:

I really like this so far andddd I'm leaving a review so that I remember to read it later when I have more time hahaha


over 5 years ago Cupcake34(Marcella Kay) said:

2 -ahaha! I loved the hop scotch part!

-You changed verb tenses a few times… for example, you have “Eliza quickly finds beth…” – it should be “Eliza quickly found Beth…” (since you’ve been writing in past not present.)

-“walkes to sit beside her.”- change to- “walked to sit beside her.” (present needs to be changed to past.)

-“Beth is already giggling before Eliza sits down.” –change to- “Beth was already giggling before Eliza sat down.” (change verb tense from present to past.)

-“began to walk tword…” –change- “began to walk toward…” (spelling error on toward)

-“Let his consentration slide…” –change to- “let his concentration slide…” (spelling error on concentration)

-“He finds Eliza…” – change to- “He found Eliza…” (again, verb tense)

-“held up a finder…” –change to- “held up a finger…”

-“Something caut…” –change to- “Something caught…” (spelling error on caught)

-“a minute to fifure…” –change- “a minute to figure…” (spelling error on figure)

-“ a fation dsiner be shooting…” – change- “a fashion designer be shooting…” (spelling errors)

-“ Lets protend you didn’t…” –change to- “Let’s pretend you didn’t…” (apostrophe for Let’s as in let us. Spelling error on pretend)

-“What?” She asked… -change to- “What?” she asked… (lower case ‘s’ due to quotation grammar)

-“Do you want a mildshake?” The watress asked. –change-“Do you want a milk shake?” the waitress asked (spelling error on milk shake. Spelling error on waitress. Lower case ‘t’ due to grammar rules.)

-Scary incident! I wonder what’s going on! :)

-I would suggest looking up grammar rules while using quotes. I’ll give you some examples now on grammar rules with them. Examples: WRONG: “What did you just say?” He asked. RIGHT: “What did you just say?” he asked. WRONG: “I’m going to the store.” She said. RIGHT: “I’m going to the store,” she said. -I hope that helps a little.

-I also suggest editing your work by reading over it a few times. There are many typos and wrong spellings. It ends up being distracting. I’m going to stop with the corrections and just comment now haha…

-ahahaha I liked the line “I’ll come with you” made me laugh a little.

-I like your story line, and your voice when it comes to writing! It was really good!I love the myserious story line too! The only problem was all of the spelling errors and typos. There are a lot! Just fix them, and it should be fine! Good job so far! :)