iPirates

iPirates

1 chapter / 1174 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

MY ENTRY FOR THE UNHOLYMASHUP CONTEST! PLEASE HEART! GOAL OF 300 HEARTS!

Comments(41)

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2 days ago tracy said:

pestveda

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23 days ago Hannan said:

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about 1 month ago smith said:

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Reviews(4)

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over 5 years ago Evelynn Adams said:

I love the idea! *claps* Good job! You know your stuff about ships, and while there are similar stories, this has its own unique touch. I was pretty caught up in the story, so I wasn’t exactly paying attention like I should’ve been. However, a few things I noticed was either your overuse of commas or lack of use. In some places you had too many commas, and in some, you didn’t have any. Look at that. Also, pay attention to the sentences that have multiple commas – even if they’re placed correctly, it distracts from the sentence and makes it needlessly long. If those details are important enough to include, it doesn’t matter whether you break one long sentence into two shorter ones.

Other than that, though, great job! Keep writing!

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over 5 years ago Courtney said:

I thought that this was pretty good. I did noticed however, that your character did not think. There was no internal narration or though, it was all dialogue. It prevents the reader from really being able to connect with the character and we lose an important aspect of the story.

I also noticed that you did a lot of showing, and not telling. I didn't really feel any emotions reading this because I was kept out of the story. It felt like I was sitting and listening to someone retell a story. I don't want to hear the story, I want to feel it, I want to be immersed in it!

Other than that, this was pretty good. I hope you do well in the contest! :)