Dangerous Paradise

Dangerous Paradise

10 chapters / 5289 words

Approximately 26 minutes to read

Description:

Kayla, Horacio, and a couple of their friends go on a trip to California. All they want is a nice getaway from their parents for a while. But soon, they find out what they're really in for. Was running away really worth the price? And will one of their friends turn them in?

Genres:

Writing, Novel

Comments(8)

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over 5 years ago PriyaKS said:

Hey, I really liked the whole story idea, and I was pretty hooked :) However, there were just a few mistakes, and I completely agree with the review Alexandra Parker wrote, so her advice is really helpful :) I noticed the same mistakes, but otherwise loved it! Just read over it, when you have time, and I'm sure it will be perfect :) x

-Priya

Images

over 5 years ago Mike Dowd said:

Sorry for the late comment, but I really liked it. It was very interesting and you described very well!

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over 5 years ago Sarah Jane May said:

This is really awesome :) I like the way you described what was going on in the story fluently. Keep writing!!

Doc

over 5 years ago heartsayshello95 said:

This is really good. I'm going to read more later. I like the description at the beginning. it really sets the scene!

Reviews(5)

Kissme

over 5 years ago Ghostfeather said:

This story was very nice! You have a nice idea and explain everything well. :) There were a few rough patches here and there (Mostly in the beginning paragraph/page), but for the most part everything was fine.

There were also a couple spelling errors, and most of these occurred during dialogue. Just punctuation and some typos, but a quick edit could fix easily. :)

Finish it! I would love to read the ending! :D

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over 5 years ago Alyssa Alyx said:

For our swap :D

Cover/Name: I think the name fits very well with what has happened in the story so far, and the oxymoron captures your attention. The cover draws you to the story, though it is of a fire, which has yet to happen that us readers know of.

Story: The choppy structure of the first paragraph I think fits the action, though there is an over use of 'my.' You also have some tense switching in the whole story, but that's minor.

I think the plot of the story is good and is developing well so far.There are a few things you can do to add suspense in other parts though, as others have said. May I also suggest you develop Horacio and Kayla's relationship a bit more before Derrick? Like maybe add in or lengthen a scene where its just the two of them. I think it would make it seem all the more dramatic and heart-wrenching when Maisie (or I believe it was her) tells Horacio about the kiss. And maybe let Kayla be a bit more reluctant when Derrick kisses her in front of the other friends, it seems shes a bit to okay with it, especially with Horacio captured. Though feel free to ignore my advice, you may have reasons for having it as it is.

I enjoye dthe story and will definitely be reading more! I want to know why they wer ebeing chased, and how Maisie knew about the kiss. And if there really is a fire somehow. There are a lot of questions I want to the the answers to!