The Girl With The Broken Smile

The Girl With The Broken Smile

1 chapter / 1735 words

Approximately 9 minutes to read

Description:

How are beauty and the beast the same? Only when the mirror is all anybody ever looks at.

Genres:

Writing, Short Story

Comments(10)

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about 3 years ago Jake Docker said:

I don't think I've ever read anything quite like that. A very interesting and unique read.

I had a criticism to make (dialogue tags and affiliated punctuation), but Linda L appears to have already covered it.

Nice writing!

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almost 5 years ago Vulpes said:

This really made me think good job!

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about 5 years ago Jessica Vita said:

This is a great idea! Please post more! If you ever want to publish any of your work, I think this would be a great novel.

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about 5 years ago Scribe said:

great beginning! I love this!

Reviews(7)

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about 5 years ago ArtemisFey said:

Linda L. is now my hero for saving me time on the dialogue punctuation. xP

But really, I liked it. It was good, and a good idea. However, you stated that the girl was more than her looks, but then she fell into stereotypes like math giving her a migraine. I understand that girls don't have to be hideous to be great at math, but for a piece that seemed to be stressing how normal she was beyond her beauty, that little detail jarred me.

Holdlovemusic

about 5 years ago Linda L said:

Swap review! I'm a grammar nazi, so BEWARE! Key: [add or replace] {delete}

First, I'd just like to say that the title reminds me of "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. You know that one line in the lyrics?

"...somebody would ask me something other than how I keep my hair straight{,} or who my manicurist is. Not once [have I recalled that] anyone asked me, say, 'Have you seen Star Trek?' Or, 'Hey, do you like trance?'{.} Or even, 'How's math class?'{.}" Weird punctuation there. And I re-phrased your words; they were pretty awk earlier.

"...a sister to complain to{,} or a brother to scare off..." Superfluous comma.

"...how long I had been zoning [out]..." Add "out."

"The thing about Mr. Gordon was [that] he actually wasn't a bad guy. But I hated his subject[;] math gave me migraines." Noun clause. Run-on.

"'Sorry[,]' I whispered." Dialogue tag.

"[Clenching my fists, I willed] myself not to cry." Misplaced modifier.

"...I walked up to him to apologize [again]." "Better" is a strange word choice.

"'...Long time no see.'{.} Colton Ellis sauntered up to me [and flashed] his most winning smile. [He] was a jock[--and] also a jerk." Weird punctuation there again. You should check out dialogue punctuation rules. Also, there was a misplaced modifier. And that "now" was odd, and taking it out made the two remaining sentences a little weird, so I combined them.

"'Colton[,]' I said..." Dialogue tag.

"'What's up?' [h]e asked..." Dialogue tag.

"I bit back a scowl [and settled] for a [cold,] civil tone." Misplaced modifier. "Coldly" didn't modify "civil," so I made it a compound adjective.

"'Sorry, no thanks[,]' I told him [with] a stab at civility again." Dialogue tag. Misplaced modifier.

"'Aw, c'mon, McLellan[,]' [h]e said." Dialogue tag.

"'Sorry[,]' I repeated{,} and tried to slip away." Dialogue tag. Superfluous comma.

"'...are you guys together?'{.}" Weird punctuation there again.

"'No[,]' I managed..." Dialogue tag.

"'Fiesty, isn't she?' [h]e asked the nameless girl [and] revolting me further." Dialogue tag and misplaced modifier.

"'Please leave me alone[,]' I said quietly." Dialogue tag.

"...I stared in a little hand mirror [and watched] tears track their way across my face." Misplaced modifier.

"Not long until summer[,] I thought to myself." Dialogue tag. (It applies to thoughts too.)

"[Staring up the length of the tree,] I [observed] the height until I felt dizzy." Misplaced modifier.

"...even [leaped] once or twice{,} before I reached my destination..." Misspelling and superfluous comma.

"'Yeah, I've been doing it a while.'{.}" Weird.

"'Can you show me?' [s]he asked hopefully." Dialogue tag.

"'Sure[,]' I called down." Dialogue tag.

"'That was fun[,]' [s]he said, smiling [brightly]. I held my breath [and waited] for it..." Dialogue tag. Apparently "sunnily" is not a word. And misplaced modifier.

"...was, 'I'm Jamie[,]' and held out her hand." Dialogue rule.

"'Do you do this all the time?'{.}"

"'I do[,]' I said..." Dialogue tag.

"'Sweet. I'm down the street[,]' [s]he continued..." Dialogue tag.

"'Exactly my perspective[,]' I replied." Dialogue tag.

"'No way.'{.}"

Grammar feedback: You really need to look up punctuation rules for dialogue. Also, you had a lot of subject-verb-subject-verb beginnings. Try mixing up your sentence beginnings--a participial phrase here, an introductory adverb clause there--and I think your writing would sound a little more eloquent.

Content feedback: I liked the intro, but the ending left off at an odd place. I'm not sure if you plan on continuing this, but perhaps it would seem better if you left off on Sage's thoughts about "maybe life will change for the better" or something like that. I really liked the concept though because we often don't think that beauty is a curse. Good job!