1 chapter / 617 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read


© Life is change, and sometimes the change you never wanted ends up what you need.


Fantasy, Drama, Suspense



over 5 years ago HT Fallen said:

Return for Distance:

Here are just a couple of things that I picked up on as I read. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.

The first thing I noticed was the massive opening paragraph. It's just an aesthetic thing, but that can be awfully daunting for the opening of the book. You want to give the reader a chance to build some momentum.

"The crisp cold clung to my skin[./;] The air..." This is a comma splice as is.

Look up the rules for comma usage with respect to independent and dependent clauses. You have a little bit of trouble with that through here.

Try not to start too many sentences with "I"

You have good descriptions. Sometimes, you get a little cuaght up in them, but for the most part, I think they do a good job of pulling the reader into what you're trying to say.

On the whole, you're off to a good start. There are some grammar things you could work on, and I would also suggest breaking up the paragraphs so that they aren't so long and dense. Good luck!


over 5 years ago Hero Stiller said:

So cool! I would realy like to see where it goes!


over 5 years ago Stephanie Marasco said:

you had very good descriptions!


over 5 years ago Laura said:

Wonderfully creepy Keep going!



over 5 years ago K. Fleury said:

I love what you have done...just beware of the fact that many supernatural ish stories can easily become cheesy and predictable...you aren't there but i've seen it happen often and i don't want it to happen to another great writer! I write supernatural stuff myself and am trying to prove we don't all spin right off of twilight! But on a lighter note i love what you have and i'm very interested to see where this goes..i will be checking back often!! You obviously have talent...keep writing ---K.F.


over 5 years ago Renata Ly said:

Okay, this was good! Its a touch confusing, but you're just starting so that fine. I liked it a lot and will stalk you until a new update comes out!!