To Win

To Win

1 chapter / 156 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

Currently a work in progress, feedback is appreciated! Let me know how to make it better, please!

Genres:

Drama, Romance, Poetry

Tags:

Comments(10)

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over 5 years ago The Dark Side Of Me said:

Hallo,Audrey,I'd be very glad if u have a look on my piece!Your opinion would be important for me!Thank you in advance and good luck with your writing endeavours!

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almost 7 years ago Kelly Stern said:

This is beautiful, and the rhyming worked really well. :) Very good job, couldn't find errors, and it made me smile.

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almost 7 years ago Emma Gresh said:

I really, REALLY liked this. I especially loved how you sad 'and this time you've won' a few times, but at the end, you said WE'VE won. It was very sweet, and the rhyming was very well done. Great job!

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almost 7 years ago Jessie said:

Very nice, I especially like the analogy of "coming undone" and "a storm before its begun". This is well-written, and evokes a sense of calm. This line doesn't make sense. "You hold the what can't be held." I think you just meant to delete 'the'? Anyway, I like the repetition, and maybe you could add more details/examples of what this character does that makes things so difficult, or so uneasy. I know it's not complete, so thanks for sharing it!

Reviews(3)

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almost 7 years ago Kerosene said:

Powerful. Very powerful. And inspiring, but I think others have already established that I don't know what the other reviewers are talking about, honestly. Though I'm not a huge poetry fan (I made up my own style for my story Wanderer cuz I don't like my normal format options) I can see exactly how the speaker is feeling, seeing... It was very real and moving. I think, if I could rate this instead of giving a heart, I'd give it four stars because it's this type of poem that hits home with me, not classics or most anyone else's on this site. Excellent, amazing, fantastic, marvelous! XD Too many adjectives. Anyway, just - know this is a great poem and I wouldn't suggest changing anything in case you disrupt the pattern/rhythm/flow here. At least know that this style is the kind I like to read; it suits my preferences best of any I've ever read. Cheers!, Karsyn

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almost 7 years ago Asterisk said:

Okay, you've got a nice rhyme scheme, but the language could be a tad more complex, and the lines don't quite flow. I mean, when you read it, it's not quite smooth, there isn't enough 'rhythm' to keep the reader engaged. Err... how to explain this... (sorry if you already know all this) you know when you look in a dictionary, and there's that part that shows you how to pronounce the word? Like, miniature would be MIHN-a-chur. Well, the capitalized part(s), or the enunciated syllable(s), matter a lot when creating a flow-y poem. When in doubt, things will flow well if every other syllable is enunciated, and the line ends on an enunciated syllable. Here's one that works really well: "I DO not LIKE green EGGS and HAM". It's only one-syllable words, making it easy, but it has a really nice rhythm to it. It's almost catchy. What you often did in this poem was end lines with the 'lower-case' syllables, making it feel like it was just trailing off; there wasn't enough impact sometimes. If you really some good rhythmic reference, read sonnets. Those things HAVE to have that kind of syllable-flow, or else it's not even a sonnet anymore :] Be sure not to get too caught up in this though, it just gives a nice base to work from. Again, sorry if you already know all this stuff ^^;

Oh, and you may want to look over for punctuation. It's tempting to not punctuate poems much at the end of lines, but, again, it helps the flow :] Keep working on this, it's already got a cool concept and rhyme scheme, and i can picture it becoming a really fantastic poem.