Rose and the Wolf

Rose and the Wolf

1 chapter / 1149 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Please read and heart this its for the justine magazine contest HELP ME REACH MY 450 HEART GOAL thanks!!!

Genres:

Writing, Action, Drama
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Comments(279)

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Reviews(42)

Holdlovemusic

over 5 years ago Linda L said:

Swap review! Admittedly, this review is long overdue, but in my defense I've been very busy these past few weeks. However, I DID read and heart it (if I liked it) before the contest ended. :)

I'm a grammar nazi, so don't freak out when you see the list of corrections, okay? Key: [add or replace] {delete}

"I sat alone, gazing into the distance [with] my red hood pulled over my head and my little woven [basket] [sitting] beside me on the grass." You can't use a semicolon there because "my red hood..." isn't an independent clause. "Woven bag" sounds a little bit odd. Did you mean "woven basket"? And use a gerund, not a real verb.

"...an annoying hum in my mind[,] but I blocked it out [and turned] it into the rustling of leaves or the snap of a twig in the woods[,] where I always felt more at home." That comma is for a compound sentence. You had a misplaced modifier, so I changed that to "and turned." I don't think the dash is necessary there, so I replaced it with a comma.

"I wasn't alone because I didn't have friends[;] I could get friends if I wanted them, [but] I didn't. I just liked to be alone[,] and the fact that I could burst into hysterics at any time scared people off." Comma splice--change it to a semicolon. "But" is more suitable than "and" in that scenario. And then you had a semicolon when you should have used a comma. (Compound sentence.)

"...what my dad would have said if he [were] here..." I know it looks wrong, but there's this thing called subjunctive mood. Look it up if you're curious.

"'Life isn't fair[. Y]ou'll just have to deal with it[,] Rose." First of all, I think this dialog should be moved to the previous paragraph. (It doesn't exactly deserve a paragraph all on its own.) Then you had a comma splice, and you had to insert a comma for direct address.

"I felt the familiar feeling of [building] pressure that signaled that I was about to burst. I took slow[,] deep breaths and made [a list] in my head." I think that first sentence was a little awkwardly worded, so I tweaked it a bit. I inserted a comma for compound adjectives too. And she only made one list, so "a list" is more appropriate here.

"I let out a breath I had been holding in and noticed [the school] was quiet[,] too quiet." Your "it" had no antecedent, so I replaced that. Also, you seem to be abusing your semicolons.

"I looked around and saw [no one][--]no teachers, students or parents; everyone was gone." You shouldn't put "nothing" there; it gives (me) the impression that she suddenly turned blind. Then you should insert a dash for a series as an appositive phrase.

"I glanced at my watch[.] 3:16[.] I had to get to Grandma's house." Run-on.

"How could I have been so irresponsible[?]" The last time I checked, that sentence is a question, not an exclamation.

"'Hey[,] hoodie[. W]here ya going?' [Beside me jogged Luke], an all[-]too[-]sweet smile painted on his face." A comma for direct address. Then you had a comma splice and a misplaced modifier.

Whoa, people still say "none of your beeswax"? Down where I live, we only say "none of your business" or (if you're trying to be formal) "none of your concern."

"...desperately trying to [outrun] him."

"He smirked[.] 'Where are you going[,] hoodie[?]'" Don't put a comma there. Doing so would imply that "he smirked" was a dialog tag, but it isn't because it doesn't involve any speaking whatsoever. Comma for direct address. And that clearly is a question, not a statement.

"While the gesture seemed innocent[,] I knew the only reason he was doing it was to block my path[,] and I knew the only way to..." A comma for an introductory adverb clause. Then another one for a compound sentence.

"'My grandma's house[. N]ow can you move?'" Comma splice.

"'You'll regret that!' [h]e called after..." Now THAT is a dialog tag, so you'd make "he" lowercase.

"I ducked through the [backyards] {that I always did}." First, "backyards" is one word, and second, "that I always did" doesn't make sense and isn't necessary in the sentence in the first place. Delete it.

"The wind rushed by me [and made] me feel I was running much faster than I really was." Misplaced modifier.

"I glanced at my watch[.] 3:44; I only had twenty minutes." Comma splice.

"I sprinted down the long dirt driveway [and only paused] to look behind me when I heard a bush rustle." Misplaced modifier.

"'It [must be a squirrel][,]' I told myself[.] 'Grandma needs [me]!'" Okay, "it couldn't be anything" doesn't make sense in this context whatsoever. That would imply that she knew what it was...So I replaced it with "it must be a squirrel." Also, you need a comma there because "I told myself" is a dialog tag. Then you need a period to signal the end of that sentence. Grandma doesn't need YOU; Grandma needs Rose. Even if you argued that she was talking to herself, then she'd still say "me," not "you."

"'Hey[,] Rose.'" Direct address.

"Luke grinned and [walked] toward me[.]" He didn't start to walk toward her; he DID. Also, you forgot a period.

Why does she start yelling for him to get away from her? Considering that she seems to be a (mostly) responsible girl, she should be angrily telling him to go away, not yelling at him to get away from her. Sure, I'd be a little freaked if someone followed me, but I wouldn't want to freak out my grandma.

"...some idiotic teen boy was following me[;] if I didn't give Grandma her medicine[,] nothing would matter anymore. My heart raced[, and] I could hear the blood rushing [through] my veins." Comma splice. Introductory adverb clause. Run-on. Misspelling. Why would "nothing matter anymore" if her grandma died? Is her grandma her only living relative?

"I felt a hand on my back[,] [so] I did the only thing I could think of[:] I screamed and ran." Compound sentence needs a comma. "So" seems more suitable than "and" in this scenario. And you had a comma splice that would have looked better with a colon.

"'You'll do what[? J]ab me with that little needle[?] Strangle me with that little red hoodie?'" Comma splice. And that is a QUESTION.

"'It's simple really[. W]e want you to leave.'" Comma splice. And what's up with this whole we-as-an-entity thing? Who is "we"? Everyone at school?

"'That's not my choice[. B]elieve me[--]I'd be gone if I could be[. A]nd if you think I'm a freak[,] why'd...'" Comma splice. A dash would be suitable there. And I don't think a semicolon is appropriate there. Introductory adverb clause. Why is it not her choice? Who's forcing her to go there?

"...for some stupid game of cat and mouse[.] I wouldn't have it anymore." Comma splice.

"His cold [and--although I didn't want to admit it--beautiful] eyes stared straight through mine." Dashes are more appropriate here.

"I bent my knees slightly and jumped[,] taking him by surprise as I tackled him." Nonessential participial phrase.

"Almost as soon as I was on top of him[,] he had flipped me over..."

"Luke chuckled[.] 'Take it easy[,] hoodie.'" Using a comma there implies that "Luke chuckled" is a dialog tag, but it isn't. You can't chuckle a sentence. That comma was for direct address.

Wolf-whistled? Don't you mean howled? And why would he do that? I know you're trying to make him the wolf, but that's just weird.

"He examined the scratches up his arms[.]" You forgot your period.

"'All the better to scratch you with[,]' I said between breaths." NOW it's a dialog tag, so you want the comma.

"'Please[,] Luke,' I begged, 'just let me give my grandma her medicine[.] I promise I'll find a way to leave [school] or something.'" Direct address. Comma splice. "Schools"? You mean "school," right?

"'This needle is pretty important to you[,] isn't it?'" Interrupter.

"'Just let me go and I won[']t tell anyone[,] but you have to do it now!'" Please don't forget your apostrophe next time. It irks me. Comma for a compound sentence. The entire sentence is a little awkwardly worded though, so I'd replace it with this: "Just let me go now, and I promise I won't tell anyone that you made me leave school!"

"Luke yelled[,] still keeping me pinned on the floor." Nonessential participial phrase.

"'Help!' I screamed[.] 'Please help me!'" End of sentence.

"...gave me some strength[,] and somehow I managed to push Luke..." Compound sentence.

"I ran into [G]randma's room and pushed the needle into her arm [without] bothering to sanitize the spot with rubbing alcohol {as it was already too late}." "Grandma" is being used as a name, so you must capitalize it. Misplaced modifier. And I don't think "as it was already too late" is necessary here because of the following paragraphs. Plus, it just makes the sentence a little awkward.

"I looked at the time again[.] 4:06." Run-on.

"...and heard nothing[.] 'Grandma!'" End of sentence. Not a dialog tag.

"'You,' I said[,] staring at the teenage boy cowering in the corner where I had previously been[. 'Y]ou killed her!'" Nonessential participial phrase. End of sentence.

"My [g]randma's cat [leaped] up the stairs..." "Grandma" is NOT used as a name here because of your preceding "my," so don't capitalize it. Also, it's "leaped," not "leapt."

"Luke slumped to the ground, [and] a howl escaped his throat, a moan so low and [guttural] [he] almost sounded like a wolf." Comma splice. Misspelling.

Grammar/writing feedback: You're using a lot of semicolons in places you're not supposed to. Semicolons are generally used to connect two independent clauses related to each other. Sure, we can use semicolons for other uses (like in series with internal commas, etc.), but they're not suitable in the places you're using them.

I would have preferred some more description. Sure, you describe some things--like her hoodie, Luke's eyes, etc. But where are the colors and the smells and the sounds? You could have used similes or metaphors to describe them.

Your words are a little awkwardly worded at times, but those can be easily fixed.

Content feedback: I find it slightly unrealistic that Rose would forget about her Grandma's shot just because she was too busy making a list or thinking. (Or whatever she was doing.) I think that some outer influence should be distracting her. Maybe Luke could have been hitting on her?

How did Luke even get to Grandma's house in the first place? Even if he was following her, he shouldn't have gotten there before her. It makes no sense--unless he's been there before, but that seems unlikely.

I still don't understand why Luke doesn't seem to like her so much. Why does he want her to leave the school? She doesn't seem to be especially freakish, and he even compliments her at times (even if it may have been sarcastic). And why would he try to stop her from reaching her grandmother?

I think your estimation of time is a little stretched. Honestly, I don't expect that talking only a few sentences would take three minutes, so I'd suggest adjusting the times.

The reader needs to know more about Rose's background. You mention that her dad is dead and that she has a grandma, but what about her mom? Her dad being dead doesn't seem incredibly important in the story and only serves to explain why she has no friends.

Rose seems attracted to Luke (slightly), but that doesn't seem important in the story...at all.

And why does Luke sound like a wolf? Did you do that just to make him seem like the wolf in the story?

Overall: Considering the word limit, I know it's difficult to create well-rounded characters, so I'll forgive you for that. However, I wish I could understand the motive behind things. Rose is so desperate to give Grandma her shot that I don't know how she truly feels toward her grandma. Maybe you can share some memories of her with her grandma. Also, why is Luke so hostile toward Rose? Your description was a little lacking and you need to work on your mechanics. However, I do like what you did to the story, though I hope that you can clean it up a bit. Good luck in the contest!

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over 5 years ago Liliana A. said:

Wow Sita, This is AWESOME! Its so believable and even though you go over a lot of material in a short time, you still use description and the reader gets a good idea of the character's personalizes.

Luke is very well written. Even though he's based off of the wolf, he gives the 'cat playing with a mouse' feel when he's talking to Rose. Like she's completely at his mercy, no matter what she says or does. All in all its very eerie. Nice job :) P.S. this is Lili, If you didn't realize that. As in from Scribes.