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Approximately 12 minutes to read
over 4 years ago Elly C said:
Wow Callie! This is amazing! I loved reding it. I hope you write more! :)
almost 5 years ago whisperlight said:
Wow. This is a very moving story. I really hope you continue it. :)
almost 5 years ago Brie Baumstark said:
CALLIE!!!!!!!! don't kill them all... its just sad!!!!
almost 5 years ago Ela K. said:
This was really good. Had me almost crying! :D
almost 5 years ago J. M. F. Hildebrandt said:
The story is a compelling one with a lot of emotion to draw you to the characters. The main character is well-defined and you feel his pain and confusion in the writing. While it is still in its early stages, this looks like it could be a nice story with potential.
Now that I was nice about the story, I have to get to the technicals because there are a lot of mistakes and/or awkward sections. I will go through them from top to bottom and for your own reference, a "paragraph" is merely a line started by hitting enter in this context. In other words, even if it is a one sentence dialogue line, I treat it as a new "paragraph."
Paragraph 2- "enlightened her cheekbones"?-since I was not sure what you were trying to say, I won't suggest an alternative, but unless her cheekbones are gaining knowledge or insight, another word would probably be better.
Also, the second to last sentence does not seem to work. I suggest taking out the "and she reminded me" right after the comma and putting "for whatever reason" at the end of the sentence.
Paragraph 4- "Leukemia" should be lower case.
Paragraph 5- You wrote: "I rest my head on my fist and closed my eyes in the dim, humid lobby and closed my eyes." I suggest removing the second "and closed my eyes" as I am sure it was an oversight you simply missed. You might also want to replace "rest" with "leaned" to keep the tense consistent throughout the sentence.
Paragraph 8- You wrote: "I wanted to ask her name, but I was too afraid." This is an optional edit but removing the second "I" would make the sentence flow slightly better.
Paragraph 9- I would change last sentence to "He did not/didn't even drink the coffee." The way it was written was a little awkward because the sentence before was talking about eating, not drinking.
Paragraph 30- I would remove one "there" (preferably the first) in the first sentence and replace it with "to the cafeteria" to make the sentence sound better and reduce the redundancy.
Fourth sentence needs the "i" to be capitalized.
Paragraph 31- "say" needs to be replaced with "saw"
Paragraph 2- You wrote: "She's okay, I mean she cleans and everything and she doesn't have any kids to steal Dad." This is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would replace it with: "She's okay. I mean, she cleans and everything, and she doesn't have any kids to steal Dad."
Paragraph 16- You wrote: "I stuffed my cold and skinny hands in my pocket" and I would replace it with "I stuffed my cold, skinny hands in my pockets"
Replace "cauldisac" with "cul-de-sac"
Paragraph 17- Replace "cauldisac" with "cul-de-sac"
Replace "old people neighborhood" with "old people's neighborhood"
Those are the ones I found in a quick go through while still trying to keep my focus on the intriguing story you put together so far. You might want to let one person other than yourself read subsequent chapter before posting, as they might pick up things you miss or that the spell/grammar check does not catch. Keep up the good work!
almost 5 years ago Leslie Grace said:
it was really well written, that poor boy losing his mother, but it didn't make much sense when to you said that was the last time i saw her, then he saw her everywhere, maybe you could say
that was the last time i saw her
for a while
she was everywhere