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Approximately 25 minutes to read
almost 5 years ago heartsayshello95 said:
This was great! I can't wait to read more.
almost 5 years ago Em Kam said:
Beautiful. There is nothing else to say. You have to know this is absolutely beautiful.
almost 5 years ago Jinjin Tiger said:
Honestly I though this was just great, I was going to leave a review but didn't for two reasons. 1). It was flawless 2.) it was so short- a preview- I couldn't really give any insiteful tips or comments or critique. So I'm just leaving a comment. I enjoyed it. For a preview, I think it did it's job,when I was reading it I just couldn't wait to find out whatever the scene was. Which is what a preview should do right? Make the audience want to read your book or see your movie. It was flawless so far, I saw no grammatical errors and I can tell you have put a lot of work into this. Whenever I was reading this I was like, what is it! What is he doing? My mind was just waiting for the story to say that he was In the olympics, maybe a professional skater with the narrater being a girlfriend or maybe even mom. (Watch I'm going to be dead wrong and it's going to be about some drug lords hitting the jackpot or something lol). I guess I will just have to read more to find out- that means you would have to publish more though- ;). Anyways keep up the great work and I can't wait to see where this goes. -jinjintiger
almost 5 years ago Emily Swiers said:
It was a great start! I can't wait to see their past since I'm sure they did go on a journey. I was taken aback by the silver gown...I questioned that a little.
But other then that, it is a great start.
almost 5 years ago Brittany J. said:
First paragraph of Prologue- "The way his ocean blue eyes sparked in the setting sun captivated me." I'm just wondering if you meant to say 'sparkled' because I think that would make more sense. But it's your choice of course! :)
Third paragraph of Prologue- "...flowing gallantly down his tall and lean figure." I just thought the word gallantly didn't really fit. The definition is brave and courageous so how could a gown flow courageously?
Third to LAST paragraph of Prologue- I just have to tell you how amazing this paragraph was. You're a very good writer. :)
Chapter One- "All that Christmas holly- jolly..." You should get rid of the space before jolly if your going to have a '-'.
Chapter One-"They said the tree symbolizes life, which symbolizes Jesus, therefore it was aloud." Wrong spelling of aloud. Change it to 'allowed'.
Chapter One- "Her face automatically lit up with life." I just think this doesn't really fit. I think you should change it to "Her face automatically lit up with excitement."
Chapter One- "He asked my in a serious tone, his turning grey eyebrows burrowed together." This just doesn't work for me... It doesn't flow very well. I think you should either think of some better way to say his eyebrows are turning grey or to just get rid of that little detail all together and just said "his eyebrows burrowed together."
These are all just my suggestions and you have a really good story on your hands! :)
almost 5 years ago whiterose said:
Hi - just ran across your story and had to stay and read it, because your title entranced me.
I cannot wait to see how you will tie the prologue and the first chapter together, I'm beside myself trying to figure out how they fit in with each other!
The prologue looked quite well-written, there was nothing glaring that I noticed.
In the first chapter, at the beginning and again at the end, you substitute the word "aloud" for what I believe should be "allowed" - my apologies if I'm wrong.
The only - to me - awkward phrasing that jumped out at me was "within seemingly milliseconds" - just seemed to interrupt the flow of the story, and it would be just as easy to say "immediately" or something like that.
Like I said, can't wait to see how the two parts fit together, I was totally not expecting the transition into the first chapter so I'm excited to see where it goes!